You know what I see when I look into your eyes?
Your soul is alive and it is unstoppable.”
Alice in the Upside Down World
**work in progress**
Truth be told, I have been extremely cruel to myself over these last few months.
Hell, what am I saying?
It’s been years at this point.
It’s been a long road and a long time coming for me to call myself out.
I have been cruel to my body, to my mind, to my being.
I question my existence.
I have hated myself instead of showing any sort of self love or acceptance.
It’s been a rough ride and my eyelids have never been so tired.
I keep thinking what I’ve been going through is an awakening but some days it’s so cold and lonely that it feels like a frozen hell that I’ll never be able to escape.
This breakthrough has broken me into so many pieces.
I always resort to that type of thinking.
The kind that says that I am broken.
But for how many times I’ve reshaped, evolved, changed my mind, reinvented,
how could I not think of myself as someone who’s been broken?
I glue my pieces back together
to make it seem alright.
I throw the debris in the air like confetti
and celebrate the fact that I made it through the storm.
And there’s always a storm.
Sometimes they seem endless.
In the storm, I am cruel and mean and it’s not just to myself,
it’s towards everything and everyone around me.
This has been my reality for days on end, probably since I was old enough to understand depression.
But let’s be real here, at 13 years old…hell, even at 23, 26, 31, I still don’t really understand my depression.
That little ticks that I have, the ways that I tick.
The way my demons take over
and I can zone out for hours
and mentally make myself sick.
Spiraling into darkness.
The silence is violent.
I don’t understand it.
Or what I mean to say is…I don’t understand why I have to have it.
“It runs in the family.”
Genetics. What a curse.
It just fucking hurts.
My mentality bounces between grim and grateful.
I can’t say that I am 100 percent happy with who I am and where I am internally but…
I am grateful to be alive and I am thankful that I am loved.
But still, I feel so unsettled.
I’m always coming undone.
My demons wrap their claws around my neck and make it hard to breathe.
I fight myself constantly
especially when I’m actually trying to enjoy life and feel any sort of joy.
The voices inside my head are always trying to take control, bring me down, hurt me.
No matter how much sleep I get it is not enough.
Sleep is no solution for an exhausted soul.
I don’t mean to complain. I never mean to.
But damnit I need to.
I learned at a young age that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes but keep it to yourself.
That’s what I was taught.
I don’t know from who but…here we are.
One day I will reverse that way of thinking.
One day I will quit apologizing for feeling.
I want to scream out loud and voice everything that’s bothering me.
And I think I have a right
because I’ve endured a lot of pain.
Shouldn’t we all have a right to say what we really need to say?
Life has been difficult every day and every night.
Living and breathing depression suffocates my mind.
Too much for me.
So I want to bitch and moan and scream like a fucking banshee.
I have all this pent up energy from not being able to say what I really want to say and yet…no one is stopping me…
…no one but me.
I just want to be able to breathe.
**work in progress**