Monday, August 10th, I wrote a really awesome piece. It was a revision of an older poem I had started and I was really proud of it. There was a lot of pent up energy within my soul and by editing, adding, revising, the piece came to life and relieved my soul, my mind of so much toxic waste. It was a piece about how fucked up I’ve been acting towards myself. How I’m battling to reverse my ways of thinking, the ways I was raised or the ways abusive relationships have shaped me. I was trying, I am trying to 180 all of it. I want a do over and I believe I can get there one poem at a time.
It was all going to begin with the words I was writing on Monday. That was the start. But then something happened, something that happens every now and again, my work was deleted even though I swear I pressed save. Even though I had it in my drafts. Even though….I was careful, because I’ve lost work before and every time it feels like a piece of my being has been ripped to shreds.
I don’t know what happened. That’s usually how it goes. One minute, all the revisions were there and I pressed publish and it was all there. And then it wasn’t. I pressed close to go back to my main blog page and it took me right here to where I write and I saw my piece but…it was all wrong, it was the first draft. It was the piece I wrote months ago. It wasn’t the piece I’d just edited, added, revised and put so much work into. All the new words, all the new sentences, all the new emotions and pent up energy…gone.
I’ve felt broken ever since. Two days of being so consumed by such a simple mistake but it’s a mistake I don’t understand. Because of my carelessness from previous works being lost, I’ve become very paranoid and I double check and I almost become OCD about how many times I make sure the edits are saved. Because it fucking sucks when I lose words. I lose a part of myself when that happens. So I’ve been so careful lately. I don’t know what happened.
I tried to save the piece, as in I tried to remember what I had written and I was able to rewrite a few things…but for the most part, my memory got the best of me and I forgot the majority of corrections.
When this shit happens, I over analyze and try to understand WHY I lost my work. This time isn’t as tragic as other times but still, it haunts me. I wonder, why did I put so much energy in that piece and it’s just…gone? poof? out of nowhere? can’t be found. can’t be retraced. I can’t remember a thing.
Whenever I write, I zone out and I let my hands, my fingers do the work. They type fast and next thing I know, I’m paragraphs in and I’m oblivious to what just came out until I go back and read it. And a lot of times I’m like “wow I don’t remember thinking that…it just came out…”
It’s been this way since I was young. I began writing poetry and jotting my thoughts down in a diary when I was in middle school. I’m 30 something now and the habit of not recalling what I wrote and being all like “wow this was me?” is stronger than ever.
Sometimes I think it’s my ancestors coming through, especially my grandmothers. Sometimes I think it’s my other selves. Sometimes I think it’s just me writing and I just get so caught up in what I’m trying to say that time doesn’t exist and I’m just flowing, I’m just in it and I’m loving it and embracing each emotion that comes from the words I write.
It kills me when I lose pieces.
I don’t write just to write. I write to heal, I write to soothe, I write to understand.
When I type something out and it’s so powerful and so emotional and so something I want to keep around…..and then it disappears…. I wonder…what the fuck did I do to deserve that loss?
It physically hurts.
The piece I’m speaking of is the “shadow self/ …” post.
It was so good. So good.
But now I have it written up as “a work in progress” because once again, it is incomplete. I don’t know if I’ll find the right words again. It might just stay a work in progress forever or at least for now because it’s exhausting trying to dig deep into my memory to see if I can remember anything.
It sat in my drafts for months on end and I finally decided to touch base with my shadow work and see where I was. Because I’ve come so far. Revealing my ego to myself and understanding why it ticks the way that it ticks. My shadow self is powerful and she’s got a lot to say….and I have a lot that I want to keep track of when she does talk. I want to challenge myself. I want to better myself. I want to accept my dark and my light and bring it together. I was getting there with that piece so maybe you can see why I’m so pissed that it just vanished into thin air.
Now I’m back to feeling paranoid and wondering should I use another outlet to write my feelings down before I dive into writing it on my blog? When a website glitches I can’t do much. Maybe I just need to go back to physically writing on paper or using Word. I don’t know. The risk of losing it all exists in every outlet. This is a silly predicament but at the same time….I shouldn’t devalue myself like that. I wrote something powerful and it went away. It’s the same as if I were drawing and I spilled a drink all over the art. That pain is one of a kind.
I’m sad, that’s all. But I chalk it up to being meant to be. I at least had the “come to Jesus meeting” that I wanted to have with myself. I got a lot off my chest and I learned some things about myself and my recovery. I began the first steps to self acceptance. So it’s not all on a blog for the world the read….oh well….new pieces will come and I’ll be more careful then.
I hope all of you are doing well. I want to say thank you to all of you who have been liking my posts and giving your feedback. It means the world to me. I’m so happy I decided to open this blog two years ago. I’m so happy I decided to stop being so scared of myself and decided to put my work out there.
The best thing I ever did was get out of my own way.
Much love to you all.