Sometimes I get into these moods where I shut down and blank out and space and I can no longer think straight. My brain will bounce around every good, bad, haunting, stupid, silly, ridiculous memory that I have, I swear and it is exhausting. I’ll get asked the question, “what’s wrong?” and I will reply back “nothing” like a bad habit that I gotta break. But how in the hell am I supposed to answer that question when truly it feels like everything and nothing is wrong all at the same time??
Sometimes I zone out, stare at an object for a long period of time and I dissociate back to a different time and I forget where I am and I literally have to shake my head and tell myself “this is not reality, come back to reality.” And I will but I’ll feel like someone just blew a hole right through my chest. My anxiety peaks whenever I dissociate. It’s there that I realize I am mad, that I’ve lost my head …somewhere along the way.
I don’t know when it started, the dissociation. I had these strange feelings/happenings when I was a kid where I’d find myself…see myself…in slow motion where time didn’t feel real and whatever I was doing felt unnatural. I don’t know how to describe it. I felt like a robot. I felt like a puppet. I felt outside of myself and I’d be watching myself idk do something as simple as tie my shoe and it would feel slow and drawn out. My brain wouldn’t feel right. There was tunnel vision, anxiety, my ears would start to ring.
It was unsettling.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to be able to handle being this way for the rest of my life. It is so fucking hard to keep track of myself half the time. And it’s when I’m asked the question, “what is wrong?” that I feel so fucking alone even though I know that I am not.
I have the best support system a girl could ask for. But if I don’t support myself, how is it all going to work out? I need to support myself, even in my darkest of times. Instead, I look myself in the eyes and tell myself hateful things that aren’t true but I wonder maybe they are true. I don’t know. This is the struggle I endure daily and I hope that maybe someday it will not feel so difficult to find control.
This weekend was a mess personally. I tried to keep a straight head. I tried to smile through it. I tried to enjoy myself but I drank too much and last night especially that wasn’t a good combination with how I was feeling. I was trying to relax but alcohol doesn’t do that. I was not in the right state of mind and I should have just not. I need to stick to coffee instead.
Anyways. That’s where I am today. I’m trying to bring myself back from the dead basically. I hit zombie state yesterday and it sucked the life out of me.
I know it sounds cliche but I’m trying out some self care today. Face masks, music, favorite tv show, 420, writing, healing crystals…all followed with telling myself that I’m gonna be okay over and over again until it possibly feels real.
One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that after a rough mental health day(s) it is best for me to take the next day off and focus on centering myself. Sometimes life doesn’t allow for that to happen but this morning has been calm and so I’m taking advantage of that. The piles of laundry staring at me don’t even bother me like usual because it’s my routine and sticking to my routines is extremely vital for my mental health. I get knocked off course very easily and when that happens, I want to vomit and choke.
Sometimes the energy in the air is so heavy that it pushes me down into a dark place. That’s what happened yesterday. I was in a fragile state and I didn’t calculate properly. I just let shit happen instead of setting boundaries.
I know better but…sometimes I test myself hoping maybe I’ve finally snapped out of it.
But there is no snapping out of this. It’s taken me over 15 years to realize that and still I test myself just in case. Like …maybe this is all a bad dream.
I am who I am and I need to support myself and accept myself and understand that when a boundary is set, it is set for life.
That’s all I’ve got for the moment.
I hope everyone else had a nice weekend, I truly do.
If you had a rough weekend, remember that it is okay. It is so okay.
Today, tomorrow, the next…they’re all brand new days.
Sending you love & comfort.