The Curse of Familiarity (the darling doll chronicles)

 

I don’t know why you left.

I don’t know why you never tried to talk to me.

Or maybe I do.

Maybe I know why and I’m afraid to say it out loud because

In a way

It feels like I’ll hurt your feelings if I do.

 

Sometimes I think about all the different reasons

And scenarios

That could have gone down in your head

When you decided to leave me.

If we

are as alike

as I think we are…

Then maybe I do know

Why you left;

Why you never said good bye.

 

Did you walk away because you were scared to open up to me about your doubts?

Were you angry? Did you think I would be angry?

 

Did I do or say

or

not do or say …something?

 

Why did you never give me an explanation?

Was it because you were afraid your doubts were right?

Did you think that I hated you?

Did you think I was done and over you?

 

I’m here to tell you that I wasn’t.

Not one bit.

I’m here to tell you that

Like you

I am damaged

And I am terrified to get close to people.

I am convinced that I am tainted

And toxic.

Sometimes I do the wrong things

And say the wrong things.

Whether out of anger or despair,

Sadness or simple feelings that seem unfair.

I get it because I fuck up too.

I assume too.

I am not perfect, like you.

 

For what it’s worth, I am here to tell you this:

I cared more than you’ll probably ever believe.

I loved the person that you showed me.

All of that person, I loved.

I looked past your damage because

I saw the beauty that darkness created.

I saw you

For who you really are.

And I loved you anyways.

 

Would you believe me now?

That I wasn’t planning on going anywhere?

I told you I would be there for you.

I did not lie.

And I tried.

But all it took was one slip up.

One moment of my life taking over for awhile.

And you were gone.

You didn’t even give me a chance to explain.

 

I sit and wonder what went through your head

As you walked away,

Taking my energy with you

and leaving every toxin behind to eat me alive.

 

I wonder why you never confronted me.

I wonder why you said what you said in the public eye.

I wonder why I was told I meant so much to you

And yet…

I never even got a proper good bye.

I don’t understand

And yet…

I think that I do.

Because I felt so familiar to you.

And you felt so familiar to me.

 

gray concrete post tunnel
Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Music to inspire this post:

“Somewhere a Clock is Ticking” – Snow Patrol

“Without me” – Halsey

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