If this pain does me any good…it will be found in my poetry.”
A+H
I feel sick to my stomach.
I feel like I am going insane.
I don’t know what to do except take everything day by day.
But how do I focus when my whole world has fallen apart?
How do I keep going when I can barely breathe with a shattered heart??
These bloody pieces are piercing my lungs.
I wish you would just get this over with and sever our love.
Here’s to….the waiting game.
How long will I last?
I just can’t help but wonder…
if I weren’t so mentally fucked up
would we have ended like that?
I never thought you would do this to me.
This abandonment is beyond cruel.
I am trying to put myself in your shoes
in order to understand
but I can’t.
I would never have done this to you.
My insides are tied in knots.
My heart is covered in clots.
I feel weak.
I feel broken.
How do I move past this confusion when I feel so forgotten?
Where do I go from here?
I relied on you for everything.
I feel like such a fool.
Was I blind?
Or are you just that good at hiding your version of cruel?
People come and people go and sometimes they are only meant to be a memory.
Feels like time has stopped yet I am still rolling through the motions.
And I’m drowning in this ocean of chaos.
And I’m barely floating.
**A note from the writer (11-04-21): Even though it feels as if this pain might kill me, I have to remember my strength. If I wasn’t strong enough, I wouldn’t have been able to drive away. But I did. If I wasn’t strong enough, I wouldn’t be able to take care of my child and continue making it through our day. But I am. And I can. If I wasn’t strong enough, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. But I do. This pain is frightening but it is temporary. This will not last forever. I can get through this. And I will.
**2nd note from the writer (12-18-21): I wrote this when the breakup wasn’t official yet. It had only been a couple days since he had said “I need some time to think.” It breaks my heart to read these words now because I see them more clearly. Although I felt half-dead, I was still so hopeful that we’d make it through and stay together. How heartbreaking that I knew it was the end even while I sat in denial. It’s such a shame what had to happen to us…but…it is what it is. I can only hope to continue getting stronger every day. I can only hope that he’s on the path to finding happiness now. It sucks that it has to be apart from me but we cannot force people to meet us halfway, no matter how much love there was between us.**
Unraveling my soul 