crash & burn (2)

I spent most of last week filling this massive void with distractions, some healthy, some extremely unhealthy. I felt great. I felt overly great. I was on a high. I was tripping over clouds. But the mania came crashing down and now I am in the darkness again. Now I feel depressed and broken again. I hate this process. Healing sucks. And it especially sucks when multiple selves are (trying) to sync and move through this process together. I’ve got a couple sides of me that are so ready to move on, it’s making me almost nauseated. And then there’s me and a few others who are like NO…STOP. THIS. NOW. It’s like last week my head was in the clouds and I was feeling so confident and ready to blossom within a new chapter but now I want to burn the entire book and hide away forever. I am not okay. Even when I say that I am, deep down within the depths of my soul, I am not. I have to continue on this path of chaotic self-awareness and I can’t even lie, it is fucking exhausting. I am thankful to be so self-aware but it is also a tragic curse. I hate feeling everything and hearing every thought almost all at once. I can block the voices out some days and usually, that’s when I am high on mania and having “the best week EVER” and then I crash and I’m like, “what the HELL did I do?” I am such a mess. I have so much to take care of when it comes to myself, my life, my kid, my future, OUR future. I keep searching for distractions even though I know they are NOT a priority. I keep forgetting about myself even though I claim I am putting myself first. The thing is, I’m putting the wrong sides of me first. I’m stunting my growth by allowing those sides to take full control. It is not healthy. I have to lock them away and take control of these reigns. Before we all go up in flames. If I continue on this way, I will break, I will crash. I will burn. I have to get a fucking grip. I’ve accepted the break-up. I’ve accepted this new life. But what I have not accepted is the fact that I need to heal ALONE. I need to heal before I can let anyone in. But I also don’t want to deny any of my sides happiness. That is where I become so torn. I feel so many emotions right now. I don’t know what to do with all of them. All I know is that my stability is WAY MORE IMPORTANT and I need to trust the timing of everything that is coming forth these days. I am allowed to feel happiness and to try and let love in again but I will only ruin the progress if I do not trust the process of taking time for myself. I will ruin a good thing and drag others down with me if I do not take the time to HEAL. I’m still so childish in so many ways. I have such a hard time communicating. I have so many things wracking my brain, so many thoughts and it’s giving me a fucking headache. This isn’t good for me. I always do this shit. I rush and rush and rush my life away before I even take a moment to catch my breath from the last breakdown. I am always in a hurry. I don’t know how to slow the fuck down. It’s time that I take the time to teach myself how to go slower, how to love myself harder, how to put my priorities in proper order. Starting with me and my kid and the future I need to be building for us. I am so tired of relying on others to hold me up. I need to hold myself up. I need to find some traction before I total my life again… before I spin out of control. I am so fucking tired. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks even though I have but it’s not proper, soul-quenching rest that I’m receiving. I can’t remember the last time I actually rested, that I actually woke up feeling truly refreshed. I’ve been restless for years. I’ve just been surviving, not thriving. And that is a huge problem.

I have a lot of work to do.

xoxo- all of us

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