This is a short example of what happens when I am triggered and become (extremely) self-aware…
Here I am. I’ve split and I hear myself talking and then I am outside of my body, listening to the words that are spewing out of my mouth and I’m like….NO. Don’t say that. Why are you saying that?! Fucking stop?!
But I can’t stop because it’s me, I’m the one talking. Except it’s not me and I can literally feel the words pouring out, spilling over my lips, and ugh, my voice is annoying. And I’m like….why won’t you quit? Why won’t I quit talking?!
And this goes on for a while, basically until you’ve, I’ve, we’ve made an ass out of….us. So then I snap. I go quiet.
I cut my voice off, I silence us. Because I’ve said too much, I’ve gone too far. I let the trigger affect me too deeply and now I’m reaching for something to grab onto before I fall back into the split and I never know which one of us is going to come out of it.
This is exhausting and I have a lot of work to do in order to come to terms with me, with us, with you.
With love, with regret, through all of it,