Quarantined Thoughts (part 444)

 

How do I keep my sanity and my inner peace intact while the world is burning all around?

Without being ignorant?

I have no fucking clue.

I’m either too passionate and pissed off

or I am numb and could care less and I feel like I’ll never achieve true HAPPINESS.

How do I retain happiness in the midst of so much chaos?

I want 100%.

I deserve 100% of TRUE HAPPINESS.

After all I have personally been through

and on top of ALL THAT

living with mental illness…

I deserve 100%.

I don’t want 98.

I don’t want 99.

I want

100.

But is that…realistic?

I would like to believe that it is but I know better…

Ignorance is bliss…

until it isn’t.

I can ignore the “real world” all I want…

maybe I’ll find 100% of the happiness I so desperately feel that I deserve.

But will it last?

Will it be permanent?

And will it possibly hurt me in the process?

Will it harm all the hard work I’ve put into settling my weary mind?

There’s so much uncertainty in this world.

And to steer the focus away from my feelings for a moment…

let me take a moment to say…

it breaks my heart to know

that my child

and your child

and their children…

all the beautiful children…

are growing up and learning and observing

the current state we live in.

I just don’t know anymore.

I’ve been stuck in my head for months and I’ve yet to find any certainty.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that.

I have found some.

I am more certain about myself and where I stand

and I believe in my strength more than I ever have.

My mental strength has improved greatly.

I’ve had to shut a few parts of me down in order to do this…

but I had to

…it had to be done.

If I want to stay sane…

as sane as I can be

then I have to lock a few sides of me away.

 

I’m so tired.

I’m so worried.

I’m so stressed.

 

My psoriasis is acting up a lot lately.

Stress is not good for the body.

It’s mainly been on my fingers.

My fingers hurt so badly.

I’m sick of it.

 

Something has to be done.

I cannot continue on like this.

I wonder if leaving social media behind would help.

I could still pay attention

but I wouldn’t be surrounded by ALL the opinions.

That would be nice. There are too many opinions in my own damn head…so to see SO MANY of my friends and my family and strangers….expressing their opinions….it is so overwhelming I feel like I could drown in them.

When I say I could still pay attention though… I mean JUST to the news, not fb or ig or youtube…

but I don’t believe one bit that I can trust anything the news is saying.

Because it is all of the media…big tech….they’re all lying…or at least hiding something.

Even the newer apps that claim to be uncensored…I just cannot put all my faith into anything anyone is saying.

Who knows, right?

 

I really and truly have no idea what to believe anymore.

 

I just keep telling myself to write about it. I need to write about it. I can’t make sense of my thoughts until they are laid out in front of me. I resist and I resist until it physically hurts because I’m going to burst from all the thoughts and worry and stress and opinions floating around inside of my head. Shit gets crowded man…

I need to keep writing.

Even if it offends.

Even if it doesn’t make sense.

Even if it ruins the reputation I have with certain people.

I cannot hold this shit inside anymore.

I need to keep writing.

It may not bring me certainty…it may not bring me many answers…it may not ….but I do believe it will bring me some kind of peace.

Even if that peace of mind comes from simply ridding my brain of all the words.

 

Writing has always brought me peace even if it takes awhile.

It’s always been my saving grace.

 

I just need to find acceptance, I guess?

I don’t want to be ignorant but dear God

no matter how hard I try,

I cannot choose sides.

I don’t believe any of it.

I won’t get into my conspiracy theories…yet…but 

I don’t believe anything that we are being told.

 

I am searching for answers and I’ve gotten nowhere and I’m just at the point where I feel like I will never truly have “the answer.”

I’m sick and exhausted from searching.

I want to stop.

I just want to enjoy my fucking life.

 

I just want to take care of myself and my family and build our future the best that we can and

MARK. MY. WORDS.

WE CAN and WE WILL build a beautiful life for ourselves. No matter what happens.

I hope you believe that for yourself too.

 

I need to have a level head so that I can take care of my kid.

I need to have a steady mind so that I can take care of myself.

I cannot care for others if I do not care for myself.

I need to eliminate the stress so that I can be the person that I deserve to be.

I will continue working towards happiness

even if I only do ever feel 98%.

I will never give up hope that more is out there…

 

They can take and take and take

but I will hold onto hope

with a death grip.

 

Music that inspired this post…

NF and his album The Search

specifically the song, “Change”

 

 

 

Photo by Aidan Roof on Pexels.com

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