Learning to love myself again means…
Speaking my truth, not being afraid.
Remembering parts of myself that I got rid of because a man didn’t like me that way.
Reintroducing myself to the parts of me that I ignored/ pushed to the side for so many years all because I wanted to make a man happy.
Unlocking “the box of me” and dusting off the cob webs and finding all the things I decided to stash away/forget about because those things didn’t make a man want me.
Remembering that I am not/ I was never all those horrible things that a man called me.
Adjusting my boundaries as much as I need to in order to always feel safe/ to protect my inner child and also the me that still struggles, who still deals with all the affects of the mental abuse I was subjected to.
Building walls, tearing them down, building walls, tearing them down. A temporary but endless cycle but one that helps me realize what I can handle RIGHT NOW.
Living in the now and learning how to do so without being in survival mode.
Reprogramming my brain and remembering who I am and who I want to be.
Remembering who I wanted to be before I was shaped into someone else.
What does this process mean?
Well, it’s going to unveil a lot of shit. This process is extremely tedious. I have to dig up the past. And when I say that I have to I mean it because I am a writer. The need to dig and uproot and examine what’s underneath is vital to me.
Over the last couple years, I have tried to forget and not talk about it. I’ve denied myself as a writer and thought I could just numb the pain and eventually it’ll “fizzle out” right? Wrong. I’ve found that burying the past, ignoring what I went through…it hasn’t helped. Burying my past does not contribute good things to my healing process.
So, I am here to expose what I lived through in hopes that I will find the closure I am looking for and in hopes that I will find the parts of me that I lost. In hopes that I’ll fall in love with me for the first time ever.
It is so fucking hard to find love for yourself when you spent so many years denying who you are, when you ignored the things/people that you love and then created someone else in order to survive.
If you can’t understand this…
If you can’t fathom what it would be like to be in an abusive relationship…
Well, first of all, you are so lucky.
And two…you have no idea what it’s like therefore you get no say in how my healing process works. If you don’t like the things I blog about, I’m not sorry. You can easily “x” out of the screen and never set foot on my website again. I’m not here to make anyone comfortable. A lot of the subjects I touch on/ will touch on are going to be triggering and some people won’t want to hear of it. That’s okay. You can easily walk away.
But remember that the ones who have endured this kind of pain…
they can’t just walk away from it.
So let us…let me…heal…the way I need to.
I have been divorced now for…4 years, I guess it’s been now…and I am JUST NOW realizing how much of me I broke and pasted back together differently to make a man “love me.” It’s bullshit how much of myself I denied. And for how long too, you know? For a whole freakin decade I didn’t look out for myself.
It breaks my heart.
So I need to do something to help myself feel loved again, internally.
I feel in my heart that I must reveal my truth and stop being afraid of it.
I am sick and tired of being scared to love myself.
And loving myself means….facing this shit storm head on once and for all.
I hope you never have to know what it feels like to break from the inside out and to be mentally, emotionally, verbally abused, to be critiqued, invalidated and picked apart and told you aren’t good enough…god I hope you never feel that pain.
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