I’m not f’ing crazy. I’m just…damaged.

ocean waves in grayscale photography
Photo by Ekrulila on Pexels.com

 

**trigger warning**


 

You’ve got two black holes where your pretty eyes use to be.

Two black holes

staring blankly back at me.

Where are you?
Where did you go?

Do you even know?

My back is against the wall;

your hands are around my neck

and I’m crying,

pleading,

begging for you to let me go.

 

Please, baby, let me go.

 

I look at your face

and I see nothing

instead of everything.

 

My world has been destroyed.

 

You have two black eyes where that ocean blue use to be.

Two black eyes

glaring back at me.

 

If that look could kill alone,

I’d be dead at the scene.

 

Please baby, I didn’t mean to make you so mad at me.

 

Why can’t you see me?

Where did you go?

 

Do you even know?

 

SEE ME!

I thought you loved me!

 

I stare blankly into black eyes instead of winter blue.

They’re piercing my heart; my soul too.

Your hands grow tighter

around my tired neck.

And that’s when I see a glitch.

 In your eyes

For a brief second,

I see you just fine.

 

Which tells me that you’re in there,

That you’ve known all along

that your eyes

would play tricks on me one day

that your eyes

are weapons of mass destruction.

And now those black holes are sucking the life out of my soul.

Do you even care

to look at what you hold?

 

Please baby…

SEE ME!

Why don’t you see me?

 

Black eyes

painted on your face

instead of my favorite crystal blue.

You’ve got my airways crushed in the palm of your hand

And you’re dancing with the devil too.

 

I didn’t mean to upset you.

To be honest, I don’t even remember what I did.

But I don’t think it was enough to deserve this.

 

I don’t deserve this.

None of this.

That’s what I said.

 

I told you you treated me bad

and that made you mad.

And so here we are

suffocating in this bag

of shit.

 

Funny,

what little effort it took your monster to find its way out.

You spit hell fire at me.

Hatred instead of love.

How easily you can slice into two halves, my existence.

How quickly you find and light a match,

then burn it to ash, my existence.

 

My back is against the wall

and I’m screaming,

LET ME GO!

 

SEE ME!

Baby please….

Why don’t you see that you are hurting me?

You’re fucking killing me.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t fight.

I’m trying with all of my might.

But you’re stronger than I’d like.

 

You’ve got two black eyes where that playful blue use to be.

Two black, lifeless eyes,

taking over my world,

stealing all the life out of me and my soul.

 

There are tears streaming down my cheeks

and you don’t even blink.

The harder you squeeze,

the more I plead.

STOP!

Please stop.

 

But you don’t let go.

 

I hear people in the next room.

I hear someone clear their throat.

 

Don’t they hear this commotion?

They’re not curious?

Do they not care?

 

They don’t care.

They really

don’t care.

 

No one intervenes.

 

Poor little helpless me.

 

Baby, why don’t you see me?

 

Panic consumes me.

I cannot breathe.

He is killing me.

 

I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done.

I didn’t mean to cause such a fuss.

I was being a brat, baby.

I’m so sorry, baby.

You’ve taught me your lesson.

Baby.

 

I’ve learned my lesson.

Please let me go now.

 

You take the breath from my lungs as if it is yours to own.

That’s what I am to you.

A possession.

I am yours to own.

Yours to throw all over the place.

I’m your helpless little rag doll.

 

You’ve got two black holes painted on your face.

Blue skies sway towards a stormy gray.

 

A hurricane is coming.

 

All I smell in the air is death.

Your blue eyes dissolve into an inkwell of black.

All I feel is dead.

A lovely corpse

hanged by your hands.

Your hands are so rough.

I’ve never noticed until now.

They’re gripping me tightly,

Choking me.

Suffocating my insides.

 

You’ve got no clue what you do to me.

I stare into your eyes as you glare into mine.

You’ve got no idea what you’ve done to me.

I try to find something in those dark black eyes.

But we are running out of time.

Your rough hands are quickly running away with my life.

 

Reckless abandon.

 

My whole world.

I can no longer imagine.

I am so alone.

I am cold.

 

When you snap out of this I will watch as the evil scatters.

When you snap out of this your eyes will be blue again.

As will the bruises on either side of my neck.

 

Your black eyes,

that spent minutes

which felt like hours

burning a hole into my soul,

cracking my code,

leaving me breathless,

will fade and no longer have control.

 

You have a way of showing me your love

As you pull me close and tell me that you are so sorry.

You hold me and tell me that you love me and would never intentionally hurt me.

You tell me that I’m your whole world.

How could you possibly try to break your whole world on purpose?

You swear up and down that you didn’t mean it.

You blacked out.

I pissed you off and you blacked out.

You say you still love me.

You grab my face in your hands and tell me you want me.

I can feel that you want me.

And then you undress me.

And we burn together,

wrapped around each other.

Ignited by flames of confusion.

What is love

and what is a death wish…

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