notes from home base

Today I want to set things on fire. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the universe. I am angry at God or whatever entity is out there. I am pissed. Today I want to scream until there’s no air left in my lungs. I woke up this way and I can’t shake the feeling. I want to cut out all the pieces of me that I hate and burn them. I want to rid myself of the anger and frustration that has consumed me for years now. It has torn my soul apart. I am torn to pieces. I don’t know who I am anymore. Every time I think I’m close to figuring myself out, my mood changes and it’s lights out for that side. I was manic for 4 months straight and I thought I was so sure of who I was and wanted to be and then I was crushed, bulldozed, demolished and my soul felt so much pain and confusion and there I was, lost again. Unsure of who I am. Again. I try to recover the person I become when I’m manic and high on life but she’s buried so deep, I don’t think there’s any point to digging further. She’s gone. I buried her with the others under a pile of ash. The fire I set burned for months. I erased who I was and since then I’ve been in limbo. I keep trying to go back instead of moving forward. But it sucks moving forward when you barely have any hope that you’re going to be alright. Where is that hope? Why has it disappeared? Weeks ago, it was just weeks ago, that I felt so sure of my path and I was happy. I felt happy. I felt excited. I felt ready for what was to come. But today I feel worthless. Today I feel like a bitch. Today I feel like everything I did was for nothing and nothing is helping me step out of this fire pit.

I’m terrified of who I’m becoming. The more aware I become of who I am and the more I notice the difference between what is my ego talking and what is my genuine soul, I am more and more scared. I’m scared how my life, my existence, will affect my child. I’m terrified because I’m not okay, my brain isn’t okay, my mind is fucked. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially my child. But when I can’t breathe, I really can’t breathe and motherhood can’t save me. Not anymore. When my child was a baby, a toddler, I could snap out of my depression quite easily (not always but more than not) just by holding him in my arms, listening to his little laugh and seeing his big eyes staring up at me as he grabbed my hand or ran to me for a hug. It was easier to set aside my life problems, my brain problems, when he was younger because ….I was living in a toddler’s world. And that is such an innocent, cheerful world to be a part of. Motherhood was my saving grace in my 20s. I was a Mom. I knew this. It was my destiny. But now my destiny is changing. My child is older and being a Mom is different now. Motherhood is no longer cheerful and innocent and sweet. It’s now filled with reality, real life problems and issues that I’m not ready to face but I will face because that’s what you do as a Mother. You face shit even when you don’t believe that you can. You do it anyways. When you sign up to be a parent, you are making a lifetime commitment. It cannot be broken. Not for anything. Not even depression.

But when I am swallowed whole by depression, it feels impossible to parent because I can barely take care of myself.

When I don’t shower for days or brush my teeth for days or get out of bed for days, I feel like the biggest failure and it’s ten times worse because I’m a mother and I also feel like a hypocrite when I nag my child about simple task he must remember to stay on top of….I can barely stay on top of my own problems. So I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like a fool. I feel like I’m failing him and I feel like if I don’t shape up soon, I’m going to destroy his life.

I know that sounds so…dramatic. But that’s who I am. My first instinct is to go dramatic. I worry so much that I’m sure it’ll be what kills me. Stress and worry are my biggest struggles within. And as a mother, I worry because all I want is for him to have a good life, a great life, the BEST life. And I want to be the best Mom. But I struggle to be the best when I can’t even get out of bed. And I don’t know how to explain it to him. All I can think to say, all that comes out of my mouth, are the words “Mommy isn’t feeling well today.”

How many days can I use that excuse before my child catches on that it’s so much more than feeling sick.

Truly, some days, my mind feels dead.

I’ve felt very robotic lately. I keep joking around that I feel more alien than human but honestly, it’s no joking matter. I really feel so out of place in this world and I’m not sure what to do about it.

I’ve always felt alone even when I’m surrounded by people who swear that they love me.

I’ve always felt like I could scream and no one would look up. I feel invisible especially when I’m talked over, interrupted and pushed to the side.

I’m worried about myself.

I put on a good show most days. And okay, it isn’t always a show. I’m being my real genuine self more than I ever have in my whole life. I’m open about my sexuality, my identity and I’m extremely open about my mental health. I don’t brush that shit off anymore. But I have to admit that some days it is so much easier to drink away my problems, it is so much easier to do something that makes me forget my troubles.

Facing myself is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I thought being a Mom was hard but this takes the cake.

Shadow work. This year has been all about shadow work.

My shadow is the one that’s been in control for a long time. My ego got me into a lot of stupid shit. It has cost me a lot of friendships and relationships and I’ve hurt myself way more than anyone ever should. I’ve drank too much, smoked too many cigarettes, too many drugs, too much sex, too much just to cover up, to mask my real issues.

I ignored my own needs, my own beliefs, my intuition just to please others and feed my ego.

Life was easier then too. Well sort of. It is definitely easier to wake up every day and go through the motions when you’re ignoring your problems and are far from sober.

Now that I’m sober, from excessive amounts of alcohol, cigarettes and sex, I face myself in a new light and most days it’s impossible to move.

I hate myself right now. One minute I feel okay and I’m like “alright, I can do this, I can be this person, I can like this person.” and the next minute I’m like “I miss who I used to be…” but the person I use to be was….so wrong, so terribly wrong.

Facing myself and who I really am is exhausting. I am drained. I am burnt out. I want to give up. I want to raise the white flag and fade into oblivion.

I’m worried about myself.

Because

I still don’t know who I am.

I think I do but then I’m proven wrong.

The truth of the matter is

I don’t know who I am not because I haven’t found myself.

I have found myself.

And when I did, I realized I’m 6 different people jammed into this body.

That’s why I feel so robotic.

I feel like an alien because nothing makes sense anymore. I can be fine for a day or a whole week and I am in one mind set, ready to conquer the world …sometimes that feeling will last even longer than a week….and I think….I did it, I found myself, I know who I am now.

But then there’s a shift of energy and I fall down the rabbit hole again and I realize my mental health is still the same, I was just masked by another personality.

I’m terrified of myself.

For once I’d like for things to make sense. They’ve never made sense but when I was younger I blamed it on simply being young but now I’m an “adult” and I still have no fucking clue what’s going on and I feel more misunderstood than ever.

My anxiety has crippled me. My depression has caused me to feel dead inside. I feel like a corpse walking around as the personalities inside of my head argue about who wants to show their face first. I can literally hear them fighting some days.

Like for instance, if I’m feeling really anxious about doing something, some days I’ll hear a voice that says “UGGGGHHH FINE I’LL DO IT IF YOU WON’T” and then like the flip of a switch, I’m doing whatever that thing was that I was so anxious about and it’s like an out of body experience. Watching the motions, hearing the words coming out of my mouth, and wondering “who is this person?”

Why can’t that personality be the dominant one? Why is the scared, depressed, weak minded personality the home base.

Actually, Scratch that. I know why. It’s because this wasn’t always my issue. I didn’t always have a personality issue this severe. It was all the emotional and mental abuse that tore me into pieces.

The dominant, phoenix WAS me until I allowed someone to come in and strip me to my core and strangle the life out of me. With that came a replacement, a new me, another personality. She was weak, insecure, scared and she felt ugly and worthless.

10 years, 3 different people, 3 separate relationships…all abusive.

10 years of being mentally decapitated.

There are only a handful of people who know what I went through in those 10 years with  those 3 different relationships.

2006-2016

I will never forget what they did to me, what they said to me. They branded me with the most hateful words. I sunk into myself and died each time they came at me with another hit.

The strong, dominant, phoenix driven woman I was becoming was demolished because of an abusive man.

I was 16 when it started.

I was 26 when I had finally had enough and it stopped.

3 different relationships.

3 different men.

Ripped me apart and shackled me together in all the wrong ways.

I knew I would never be the same but in 2016 when I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH, I pictured myself as a phoenix, rising from the flames, painting a beautiful new life out of the ash, and I ran with that feeling.

But you know what drove that feeling?

Alcohol.

So when I quit drinking heavily a couple years later….

my home base was no longer this phoenix.

I don’t even know if the phoenix would have existed if I hadn’t been drinking my tears away.

My home base became this sad little girl who lost her innocence at 16 and hasn’t been the same since.

I wish I could go back and erase all that pain.

I put myself through the ringer.

I wish I had never allowed those men to hurt me.

I wish I had been stronger.

I could have been stronger.

I was capable of walking away from that turmoil.

But love is so blind….it is so very blind sometimes and I was convinced I was crazy.

I just wish I could go back and change things for myself.

I wonder if I would be better.

 

I know….I cannot dwell on the past. And I won’t.

 

I just hope I will get better. I hope my brain starts to sort out who I am and maybe it will become easier to wake up and move every day even if I’m not the same person I was yesterday.

Today I want to set everything on fire. I want to cut out all the pieces of myself that I hate. I want to create a better me, a stronger version of me and forget all the other sides.

I wish I could understand my brain. I wish I could figure myself out.

I am so alone and so misunderstood.

I’m crippled by my worst fears and my irrational fears.

Today I don’t feel strong at all. I’ve not left my bed except to get coffee because I thought maybe with a little boost I’ll find the energy to get up and move but I spent too much time dissociating and now my coffee is cold and I don’t even care anymore.

 


Art by Alice / Instagram @artbymadness

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