*TW-self-harm/suicide
I have a memory
of my Mother
grabbing hold of my wrist,
a look of horror painted across her face,
a distant scream,
“How could you possibly do this?!”
I have a faint memory,
yet one so vivid at its best,
of my father
with tears in his eyes,
a look of confusion,
a long, drawn-out sigh,
“I don’t understand why.”
I have a fear
of becoming their worst nightmare.
A suicide.
I have a demon
who haunts me day and night.
She wears a look of compassion,
one that fills my core with fright.
She’s always ready
with the responsive reassurance,
“I understand your pain.”
I have a sick mind,
one that contradicts everything
I want to be
because there is this demon
who has slithered its way
through the cracks
of my ancestors’ past.
She stays with me now,
this vengeful dragon
I cannot slay.
She feeds,
She sleeps,
She breathes
day in and day out.
I had a dream once
that she finally took me away
like she promises
every time I flirt with the thought
that I am not enough
and that I should just give up.
I had a nightmare once,
I remember that
I could not breathe.
The air was sucked out of my lungs
like a vacuum.
It was pitch dark,
I couldn’t see.
But I heard the voices
and they told me
that I should run
far away.
“Get away! Get the fuck away from here! Don’t become your loved ones’ worst nightmare!
You’ve gotta wake up. You need to wake up!”
I have a memory
of gasping for air
and feeling all of my ancestors pain
coming out in waves
as I screamed
and sobbed
until my eyes were desert dry.
I have a fear
that one day
that demon might end up here
in the present,
in the daylight,
for everyone to see.
I do not belong with her
but she
belongs
with me.
I carry the burden now
as the others are laid to rest.
All I can do is pray
and manifest
greatness.
Because I am stronger than I used to think.
I carry this burden
with the intention
of burying her with me
when I die naturally.
She will never take me.
Do you hear me?!
You will NEVER take me,
not the way you took them.
This game is different now
because I am ten times stronger.
I am
reborn
over and over again.
I have a memory
of my Mother grabbing hold of my wrist,
and sometimes I think,
if she had never done that,
I may have given up then.
**Music played while editing this piece: “Never Give up”-Tom Day; “Lonely World”-Limp Bizkit; “Fear of Water”-SYML
Unraveling my soul 