The one thing I hate the most about depression is that it is so unpredictable for me. I have gone weeks without feeling an ounce of sadness or worthlessness and then suddenly the chaotic carousel decides to run again and I can’t jump off before it’s spinning out of control and the friction from the cables begin to catch fire and I’m trapped.
Today, I can feel the slight spin, the slow turn of the wheels. I can feel my mania boiling over, ready to run rampant and wild. All I can do is just sit here and practice some self-care. My usual routines sometimes work and sometimes they don’t. It’s a gamble every time. But I try.
I meditate while I sit with the feelings and I honor them. I observe where this pain is coming from. I remind myself of all the good that is happening in my life, I count the blessings. I remember that these feelings are valid but they are not going to destroy me. I have come so far, this I know and I love myself more than I used to. So, I’ll be okay. I will be okay.
I just need to find my way out of this dreadful place.