airing out the pain

This was written in early January 2022

*I feel the need to say this…the reason I am posting these raw thoughts regarding my recent break-up/heartbreak is that I believe there might be someone else who is going through this type of pain and I think it’s important for humans to share our experiences in order for others to know that they are not alone. It’s important for me to write all of my feelings down because I know I’m not the only one who feels these kinds of things and it’s nice to not feel crazy. It’s nice to read someone else’s story and realize it isn’t just you who feels so deeply whenever you are ripped in two. If you stumble across this post and you find yourself relating with what I say, please know that eventually the pain subsides and it DOES get better. Let your feelings breathe, let it all out and then once you are ready, let it all go.*

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I get it. I was you once. I separated from my husband and needed to numb that pain and so I jumped into bed with the first person who whispered my name. I get it. I moved on quickly in the past too. I jumped from relationship to relationship because I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. So maybe that’s your problem. Except…what sense does that make? If you were feeling so “alone” then why didn’t you tell me to come back home? I guess you really are through with me. I guess you suddenly realized our life was no longer meant to be. I guess you decided you no longer wanted to marry me and build a life with me. I guess. And I get it. I have abruptly changed my mind too. Many times, I’ve just up and left and decided to do what I felt was best for me. But I never imagined that I’d experience how it felt being on the other side of this tragedy. It sucks. And I feel really bad for the people I’ve abandoned. I see now what it is that happened. I was heartless and cruel and I’m realizing that now because you pulled that card on me. This is so shitty.

I read this message a few minutes ago. It said, “I believe not being able to get over someone is because they aren’t truly letting you go. The connection between you two can’t be broken from only one side. For one to move on, both have to let go.” I wonder how true that really is. It would make sense because I cannot for the life of me get you out of my head. But. Then again…if you wanted me, you wouldn’t have chosen her. If you wanted to be with me, you’d stop letting me slip further away.

So I guess I have to accept this terrible fate. I don’t know if you necessarily hate me but I guess it’s too late to unbreak what you’ve done. I wish I knew when it happened…when your love for me went cold and numb. Maybe it’s best that I don’t know though. It hurt enough whenever you said that you needed space…and now I’ve found out that you’ve moved on and are smiling at another face and let me tell you…I didn’t think I could feel this kind of pain in my heart and my side and my chest and all over my body. It’s really taken a toll on me and I feel less and less alive.

You did a total 180. You did exactly what you promised you wouldn’t. And it sucks so bad that I asked you that night if there was another and you looked me in the eyes and you told me there wasn’t. But there was. All along, there was. I don’t understand why that had to happen because I swear, I swear…you loved me. You did once, anyways. It faded, I guess. She stepped in and stole the show and you couldn’t let her go so you let us, your family go instead. You pushed us out the door so that you could get into her head.

What a fucked up thing you did.

I need to get over this.

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