Change; Reality; Glitches

I think it is time for a major change in my course. My journey has reached a point of many obstacles and I’m trying to figure out how to cross them. Moving past has not been easy. There seem to be booby traps (such a funny word pairing) everywhere. The minute I move swiftly past the first line of obstacles, I’ve missed the poorly covered hole and down, down, down I go. And then the climb back up…don’t even get me started. My journey has come to a halt. And it’s really frustrating for me because…I don’t know where to go….if not where I had planned for so long.

I am thinking that…it’s time to punch back. My social media platform that I have worked so hard to build is falling apart and I’m not sure what to do except get angry and hit back. Censorship is killing me. I am so ….pissed because….I have worked my ass off to help STOP the STIGMA on mental health and in less than 3 years I came so far and reached so many people, 69k to be exact. And now….now the media wants to block anyone who dares speak out about things “they” don’t want you to focus on.

You see, I’m not focusing on BLM or COVID or Biden or anything else the media wants me to talk about. I’m focusing solely on mental health and GOD FORBID I do that.

What kills me the most is I have proof of how hard they have fuxked me up the ass. Last summer, I was in a totally different mindset and I was focusing more on BLM and COVID rather than mental health. Within 2 months, I gained 20,000 followers. All because I was talking about “their” agenda. Though my intention still was to talk about these things because they do have something to do with mental health, I was more outraged than anything and my mindset was confused and I began protesting in my own way. I was brainwashed, frankly.

Well, this year, my outlook on E V E R Y T H I N G has changed. I am a whole new person. I am in control of my mind and I will no longer allow the media to gaslight me or make me feel like I am fuxking insane for feeling like something has been off for a REALLY long time.

I went down several rabbit holes this year and with that, came a new perspective and with that, my focus shifted back to mental health and the need for wanting to help others break free of the matrix and of abuse & gaslighting. I mean, in reality, we are all victims of gaslighting abusers known as the media and the g-vrmnt. It is atrocious and someone NEEDS to speak up about it and who better than me? I figured, hell, I got to 69,000 followers in less than 3 years and I am damn PROUD of that because my platform is supposed to help not only me but others and to reach that many in such a little amount of time was….magical. Honestly. As cheesy as that sounds. I need to help others. Because whenever I was all alone and needed someone to help me, the help wasn’t always there…so….I wanted…I want…to be there always for my followers.

This whole thing with fb is killing me. I know I keep stating it that way but it is true. I put my heart and soul into Tea Time with Alice and they are just tearing up all my hard work, throwing it back in my face and laughing the entire time. I deserve better and so…I need to make a change.

I really think I’m going to begin shifting my work over to this website full time. Blogging on here permanently will be different but…I think it needs to be done. . It will be a whole new approach and I think at this point, it’s the only choice I’ve got. Because fb has destroyed my reach. Anytime I post anything related to depression or anxiety, I get zero reach. Truly, they want to silence me and it’s working.

I never thought I would be in a battle with a social media website. I never thought censorship would ever reach this point. What the hell happened to free speech? Why is it like communist china in this bitch? Unacceptable. This is totally unacceptable and I wish I could make it go away.

I know of a lot of people who have been deplatformed and so many of their pages, if not all of them, were so beneficial and helpful and had good purpose. But because they were not on the far left side of things…they got axed.

It’s cruel. Honestly. You are messing with someone’s livelihood whenever you silence their voice.

I just don’t know anymore. I am so upset over how this has gone down. I hope that maybe if I leave the page alone for awhile, I’ll be taken off of their radar. But right now I’m a big red dot flashing loud and they see me and they aren’t taking their eye off of me.

I am a glitch in the matrix. I am a problem. I am a threat. All because I will not be controlled or manipulated or brainwashed to believe their lies. Not any longer.

I am a glitch and they hate it. They hate that I want to help others be their best selves and to FREE themselves of the mind control. I can’t talk about depression or anxiety and how to DEFEAT IT because they want humans to be weak.

Isn’t that sick?

They want us to be weak.

So if I even begin to talk about how to defeat your demons and how to heal yourself after being mentally and emotionally and physically abused, I am a glitch in their plan because….well,

they are the ultimate abuser, after all.

I love how crazy I sound. I cannot believe I am typing any of this. Life is wild. I feel like we are watching/witnessing/playing in a movie or a clown show.

Everything is wacky.

Waking up really changed everything about me.

And my course/my journey is not lining up with who I am turning out to be.

I am not aligned and it’s twisting my soul and suffocating me so I really need to make a new plan and make a decision quickly because my mission is not over and I am determined to make sure that this goal, I stick with.

I’ve always been the type to start something and be really passionate about it but then give up when it gets hard.

My dad once told me, I walk up to the mountain and overthink the walk and give up before even trying. He’s right. That has been me for most of my life.

But I’m convinced the reason behind those tendencies was because whatever it was, I was never truly made for it. It wasn’t my calling.

But I know what my calling has always been and I’ve put it off and put it off and then I put it off some more. Writing. It has always been my form of communication. It has always been a part of my healing process. I love poetry and I love to journal and I love to reflect on my choices and my life. I was made for it. Writing gives me purpose and it is quite literally the air that I breathe. If I didn’t write, if I didn’t express myself in poems, I would probably be so empty and lost and broken. More so than I have ever been before. I would be a shell of my former self and I would have no light. Writing is something I do that brings me to life and it awakens my soul and it helps me make sense of my pain. Poetry helps me make sense of my experiences and my ancestors experiences. Writing helps me wrap my head around their pain and all the things that have genetically run through me, some even bulldozed through me… like depression and suicide idealization. I get to define it and make it valid by putting it into words.

Writing is my gift and I’ve always wanted to make a living out of it even if it was something small on the side. I have put that goal off for way too long. It’s time I shift my focus back. And with that, I think I need to walk away from the Tea Time page temporarily. It isn’t working for me anymore.

I am honestly tired of it because no longer can I say what I really want to say. But with this website… I own it, I pay for it. It is mine and no one can mess with it. At least, I don’t think so lol. Either way, I can speak my mind here and I can continue my journey here. I know that I can. I just have to be honest with myself and listen to my gut. It’s time to close that other chapter for now.

Honesty hurts but it’s good for me to continue speaking it. I have never once been honest about my needs or my wants or my mental health. Not until the past 3 years. I’ve always swallowed my pain and depression with prescription pills and I’ve never actually dug deep into the wound to see why it really bleeds.

I have come to terms with why I am the way that I am. I’ve learned why my brain ticks the way that it does and I’ve accepted myself and I’ve become extremely self aware to the point where I can control my emotions and my outbursts, I control my demons now. Some days I’m not strong enough but those are the days I feel my body and mind needs rest.

So I let myself rest.

And then I rise again.

An ongoing cycle that I must live with.

Depression never truly goes away when it comes to me. I am stuck with it. It’s buried deep within my genes.

So, I might as well learn about it and why it’s there and how it ticks and then train it to cater to my needs, not the other way around.

Anyways, I’ve completely gotten off topic here. Per usual, I am all over the place.

This was just a note to say….that I’m making big changes and I’m going to be more present on this website and I hope you all will support me and help me continue spreading awareness towards mental health. I will continue writing my poetry but there will be more blog posts filled with inspirational quotes and memes and I will journal a lot more too.

It is so important for us to shine light onto the darkness.

It is necessary to expose that darkness for what it truly is.

We as humans can no longer sugar coat it and make it invalid. We have to see it. We have to talk about it. We have to validate ourselves. This is my belief, anyways.

We all deserve to be seen and if I can help shine a light on those who struggle with their minds, I’m going to shine like the sun. And if I can help someone work through the stress and sadness and anxiety that comes with starting over and moving on from a toxic / abusive relationship….I’m going to be a lighthouse in the darkest of nights.

I will not let fb’s censorship ruin me. They can deplatform me there but I will come back stronger.

Watch me.

Alice and Hannah

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