She said, “let yourself breathe again…”

I’ve been going through my notes on my phone today..it’s where I write most of my thoughts down. (I’m trying to be better about actually using a piece of paper but some days it’s easier to grab my phone instead of the journal. Baby steps.) Anyways…so I’ve been going through my notes and it’s telling me a lot. I’ve got a lot of random, short handed notes from 2020. There are a lot of notes that I do not remember writing (that’s not abnormal for me to find…been that way for years.) I’ve been reading some of these notes today and man…it’s showing me even more than I expected to see…I shifted a lot in 2020.

My brain split a long time ago. I was a young teenager. And as the years have progressed and as I’ve aged and after living through 3 intense, toxic, abusive relationships…my brain has divided into more than 2 sides. I’ve been iffy about believing that is my reality but…it is and looking through these notes proves that.

I shifted a lot in 2020. My mind had a lot of thoughts and worries and stress to air out. I’m glad every part of me writes. Thank God. It is my saving grace in the end. Even when I avoid writing or I feel I’ve got writers block…even when I just ignore my thoughts and swallow them down instead of spilling the words…I still end up caving in the end. Because deep down, every part of me knows that writing down my thoughts is how I survive and put the pieces together.

Writing is therapy to me.

But man…going through these notes is hard. My mind has struggled a lot in the last 12 months. It makes me sad. Not just for me but for anyone….anyone who has felt so…torn apart since 2020 began.

I’ve been so on edge. I feel it deep within my bones, the tension. I’ve been in survival mode for months on end. It hasn’t been this intense since I was in my last abusive relationship. That feeling of constantly being on edge and on guard just waiting for whatever is going to happen next….

fuck…

it is so ….crippling.

I plan to continue airing out these thoughts so excuse me while I dump a bunch of posts over the next couple weeks. That’s my goal anyways…to air this shit out.

I have to.

If I want to be able to breathe with ease again then I need to let go a bit.

“Air that shit out, honey.”