Silly Silly Silly Snake

What do I want to say?

I’m angry.

I’m royally pissed off.

I’m so thrown off course that I’m not sure if I’ll recover my original path ever again.

I guess I wasn’t supposed to.

If I’m trusting the universe and all the curve balls it throws at me…

if I’m trusting that there is a reason and it’s not meant to hurt me but to teach me a lesson…

then I have to come to an understanding with the fact that this was going to happen whether I saw it coming or not.

But what in the actual fuck?

And a lot of times, the situations that have changed my life for the better (even if not right away but eventually) are the ones I never imagined actually happening.

The situations you think about but then stop yourself to say,

“no that’s not possible anyways.”

I’m so confused.

I’ve got a thousand questions and I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to ask any of them because it’s not the time, it’s not the place and truthfully, the answers don’t matter anyways.

Nor do the questions.

I don’t want to relive the past.

I am not who I was.

I am older, wiser, I grew the fuck up.

I am not that scared little girl who thinks she’s not good enough.

I am proud of who I’ve become.

I won’t let anyone take that away from me not even for a second.

So what do I want to say?

I am sad.

I don’t understand why this has happened.

The minute I think I’ve got the hang of this crazy ass game called life, love & friendships, the universe swings a bat and hits me right in the temple.

I was doing so much better.

I need to listen to that inner voice.

The one that says “remember who the hell you are.”

I am strong.

I am a bad ass.

I am a phoenix.

And I will rise every time,

no matter how many times I am incinerated to ash.

 

What do I want to say?

I do not need anyone.

I do not want anyone who is not genuine and kind and mindful.

I don’t want selfish.

I don’t want crazy        (but…good luck avoiding that, baby.)

I just don’t want to be…

I don’t want to to look…like a fool again.

 

What do I want to say?

My mind is extremely confused, mixed up, scrambled like eggs on a rainy Tuesday morning.

The fog hasn’t lifted.

I can’t see two feet in front of my face.

I feel like forgiving and forgetting was a real place but apparently I was wrong.

Because here you are.

 

I am so exhausted.

My mental state is not okay.

It will probably never be the same again.

This year

has been

draining.

 

Too many curve balls coming at me from left field.

Too many ghosts in my line of sight but I never imagined one would come back to life.

 

I’m scared of what this will do to me.

Even if I walk away.

This will change everything again.

The path I was on…

it no longer feels safe.

 

I’m probably diving too deep into this ocean.

But that’s what I’m known to do.

I think and I think until I’m drowning.

 

I have to come up for air.

I can’t let this destroy me.

That wouldn’t be fair to my progress.

 

So what do I want to say?

I want to say fuck off.

I want to say get the fuck away.

I don’t want to relive these emotions.

Not ever again, not for one more day.

I moved on.

I broke free.

I was prisoner for so long and then I learned how to breathe.

I want to keep moving.

Don’t stop me in my tracks.

Unless you have a good reason, please step the fuck back.

I want to say

this is pointless and this is fucking sad.

Why now?

Why do you want to look me in the eyes now?

 

I deserve answers.

And if I don’t get them, I won’t stick around.