I’ve had this ache in my belly for months. This hollow, unsettling feeling has swelled so much and it’s accompanied by stress and worry and sadness. I’ve been so physically bloated, even on days I don’t eat the whole pantry and I’m starting to think it’s because I internalize all this shit.
All these thoughts that I have from the moment I wake up until I eventually pass out.
I don’t just fall asleep. I have to exhaust myself in order to drift into my dream world which lately means ‘I haven’t slept well in weeks so now my body gives me no choice but to pass the hell out.’
Even my dreams stress me out.
I internalize all of it and I know it, I recognize it and I know it isn’t good for me one bit.
You know, for the last few years, I’ve stated on multiple occasions that stress is going to be the thing that kills me.
I use to think it was cigarettes but I quit those 3 years ago so now I’m just stressed out to the max and that’ll be my downfall.
I’ve been saying it for years.
And for years, it’s getting worse.
My sleep patterns are fucked, my eyes are dark and I’ve got bags under them for days. I’ve got stomach issues, headaches, full blown anxiety, depression.
I’m 31 as of this past February and I’ve grown more grey hairs in the last 3 months than I ever thought I’d have by this age. I don’t know why. As in, I don’t know why it’s been such a shocker for me. I’ve been finding them since my 20’ss, mind you. I’ve found little ones (usually the annoying pure white ones that stick straight out my head) and I’ve flipped out and tweezed those fuckers. But the numbers have grown and they’re no longer short, straight white hairs, they are silver and long and all throughout my hair. I can’t just tweeze the fuckers away anymore. I have to either dye my hair or let them grow.
I don’t know why but my instincts are telling me to let them grow.
And if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s to trust my f***in instincts.
I can’t believe I just censored that but I figure, the whole internet is censored now so I fear I may get banned if I break the rules.
I don’t like to break the rules.
It just causes me stress.
Stress. That’s what we were talking about. It’s not good for me. I know this.
I’m trying to heal, trying to rewire my brain.
I’m saying nicer things to myself. I’m thinking before I act, thinking before I speak.
I’m thinking of new ways to handle the obstacles, the mountains that get in my way.
I’m learning to swim deeper in the depths of my soul and the universe around me.
I’m walking. I’m being more active. I’m manifesting positive shit and I’m even trying stretches/ mild yoga.
I’m fucking trying. And maybe, yes, I’m not doing my best every day but 6 months ago, I barely got out of bed so….I’d say progress means progress.
Progress doesn’t have to mean perfection.
But stress. Stress is so gotdamn hard to beat.
And I can never seem to shut my brain off. I haven’t even come close to knowing how to meditate and “quiet my mind.”
Honestly, when I sit in complete silence, my ears begin to ring and it’s so loud that I actually think my ears are going to bleed.
I stress about my stress and my lack of sleep.
I stress about my lack of motivation.
I stress about motherhood, housewife hood, wife hood, daughter hood, self hood.
I stress about all the hoods.
I’m not a perfectionist but I want to be perfect.
I’m an empath so that’s really throwing me for a loop.
I’ve always known I was sensitive but being an empath, that’s a new awakening for me.
It’s been a painfully beautiful experience.
I don’t know how else to word it.
I’m grateful for the awakening though, truly.
It’s opened up my eyes to self love and self care.
The awakening gave me Tea Time with Alice too
and I’m certainly over the moon happy for that little known fact.
Back to where I started.
So this awful feeling that’s been in my gut for months.
It’s been heavy and unsettling and my dreams have been f*xked up.
And my mind has been a mess and I’ve just felt so much energy within lately,
I’m so freakin drained.
And then it hit me as to why.
Why do I have it?
Why is it here?
What does it want?
What is it telling me?
And then Friday the 13th happened.
This virus going around happened…weeks prior… but still,
the 13th is when, for me, shit hit the fan.
And you might think it’s silly but seriously, Friday is when Cobb County closed all schools until further notice.
And that’s when I decided maybe this virus isn’t just some silly cold.
No, this post is not about the virus.
I’m just saying, I’ve had this bad feeling for months. I mean for so long that I’ve lost count of the days.
It’s been bothering me.
As a trauma survivor due to mental abuse, I’m used to being on my guard even while asleep. And lately I just feel like I’ve been holding myself tighter and I’ve been more paranoid and anxious and on edge.
I haven’t been able to socialize with people other than my son, my fiancee, my son’s dad/stepmom when I need to and my parents.
Seriously, I haven’t voluntarily hung out with anyone else for almost a year now.
I began my own self quarantine before this feeling began because I felt my energy had been violated by an energy vampire and then from there I kind of spiraled into this knotted mess and I’ve not been able to hang out with any of my friends. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t want to. You feel me?
Whether you do or not…
I’ve had no interest and that’s not to offend anyone. I love my friends but I love myself more lately and so when I have a bad feeling, I wonder about it and wonder is it about someone, something? Past, present, future?
I mean to say that I want…no…I NEED to protect myself at all costs whenever these bad feelings arise.
I wonder and I worry and it’s a flaw of mine, I know.
But it’s my flaw so why do you care? I want to say to anyone who judges me.
I’m the type lately to not need anyone but wish everyone was around. It’s an ocean of self pity and stubbornness.
My moon is in Taurus.
Also I’m an Aquarius.
And my rising sign is Sagittarius.
I’m a bundle of joy!
I annoy me too.
It’s okay if I annoy you.
I know my personality is one for the books.
Which is why I plan on writing books.
I think this one is going to be a real winner.
Or it won’t be and that’s cool too.
I’m tryin to be more…laid back…about it.
So I’ve been on this self quarantine kick for awhile now. I’m way ahead of the game.
I got this.
But at the same time, I don’t because how dare you tell me I can’t go outside?
What do you mean I can’t go explore the world even though 5 days ago, I was terrified to walk to my fucking mailbox???
It’s a wonderful life.
Interesting, to say the least.
Have you seen the TV show Shameless?
Think Sheila but not as severe.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you should really educate yourself.
If you need to feel better about your own life, watch Shameless.
And we’re back.
I had this bad feeling and who knows if my instincts were pointing towards this pandemic but dear lord, I never in my life saw this coming.
I thought it was a joke. I rolled my eyes. I was like wtfever they won’t close schools.
And then they did plus now pretty much everything else is on the way. Like the whole damn country is out of toilet paper. Cities are about to be under a 3 week, 24 hour quarantine. Can’t leave the house for nothing but the grocery store and doctor appointments. For three weeks. It’s happened in one city so far. What’s to say it won’t happen in more?
I mean, through my own self quarantine over the last let’s just call it a year, I still leave my house. I have been under a personal quarantine due to lack of energy and love for life but hell, I still got in my car and went for a drive. That’s how I found my love for life again. By chasing sunsets and blasting music down the highway.
Now I might be told I can’t even do that? Walking my dog only gives me so much freedom and I have to pick up shit in the process so that’s not exactly what I’d call a break from quarantine. And lord knows the grocery store won’t be any kind of vacation either. At this rate….the shelves will be barren. I mean they already are.
No fucking toilet paper.
That is what we will remember the most about 2020. Guarantee.
But believable because it’s happening!
Off track again.
But that’s okay.
It’s okay if I annoy you.
I annoy me too.
If you’re still here
I appreciate the hell out of ya.
My bad feeling. My stress. 600 other thoughts in between.
I wrote enough tonight.
Please don’t send rescue. I’m okay. I’ll let you know if I end up losing it for real.
Also, no need to lecture me on my lack of proper self care. You should have listened to me gripe before….I’ve improved so just take my word for it and leave your solutions at the door.
Tea Time with Alice isn’t always about finding solutions. Sometimes it’s about spilling the fuckin tea and letting people hear about it.
I’ll end this by saying something I’m grateful for.
I am grateful to have woken up today.
All my love,