Alice & her Madness (4)

I am exhausted but I just woke up. I’ve only been awake for an hour. It’s 9 A.M and usually by now, my day has begun. But this morning is different. This morning I don’t want to get out of bed. I’d rather stay right where I’m at and forget the world exists.

I’m not sure why, maybe it was a dream?  I can’t remember. Sometimes, it is impossible to pin point the cause. Half of the time, I have no idea what triggers these mood swings. They just happen. I’ve gotten better at catching myself before it gets too bad but days like today, my strength has diminished and I just don’t care.

I hate depression. All of these demons that follow me every day, I cannot stand them. I wish I could beat them. I wish I could completely destroy my demons. Medication only does so much. It sedates the monster inside of me. Most days, the sedation is powerful and that side of me disappears and I can breathe again.

I don’t know who I am whenever I feel depressed. I look at myself in the mirror on days like this and I don’t recognize the reflection. I analyze every flaw, like the bags under my dark sunken eyes. My hair is a mess. I haven’t brushed it in a week. I planned to spend some time taking care of myself today but the person that woke up this morning has different plans. She would rather fall apart.

 

 

 

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