April 3 2019
Yesterday was a terrible day. I felt so …broken. I don’t really know how else to describe it. From the moment I woke up, I was really sick. (Food poisioning) And though I felt better throughout the day, depression crept in like the grim reaper and took me so fast. I didn’t even have time to try and escape. His grip was strong yesterday and it took me to a dark place. I hate that dark place. It’s been a long time since I’ve sat there for an entire day. I barely got out of bed. I barely moved. I watched mindless television and cried and tried to write and failed and got frustrated and cried some more. I stared at the wall for hours. Stuck in my head. Stuck with the monsters. Depression had a strong hold on me yesterday. I felt like I wanted to die. I’ve had so much going on since December. My brain is scrambled. I’ve just been really fucked up in the head since December. I can’t even really wrap my head around it. I’m not ready for forgive. I’m not ready to write it out. I’m not ready at all. The anger I feel is still fresh and the sadness still consumes me. I am paranoid and I feel like I’m a toxic person. I feel like I need to fix myself more than I originally thought. I just feel like a shitty person. And that’s the problem. I’m not. Not one fucking bit. I have made my mistakes and fucked up from time to time but my lessons have been learned and I am a different person. I don’t have to prove that to anybody because anyone that truly cares about me will see me for me and accept me and trust that I am being the realest I’ve EVER been. My heart hurts that I’ve sunk to this point. Because of one person. I preach to people constantly to never let people bring you down because people are just that…people. If they’re not in your support system, then their opinions do not matter, should not matter and should definitely not define the way you live your life. No one should be throwing judgement because no one has room to talk because we are all GROWING and LEARNING. The people that do not know you; that do not know your life, those people do not matter when it comes to what is said or thought of your life. Right? Well…so if this is what I preach then why have I crumbled because of someone else’s opinion of me?
I am in such a strange place in my life. All these things I write about when I’m giving guidance are fairly freshly learned lessons. I’m growing more every day and writing and running my mental health pages definitely helps me see more clearly. I’ve been able to find myself and find solitude. I am more free than I have ever been because I don’t care (in general) about what people think of me. But I’m still struggling to accomplish that when it comes to someone I gave my heart to. Those are the people I don’t know how to free myself from. Because I truly believe they got it all wrong. They did not see the real BIG picture of who I am. They caught me at a bad time and laid out their judgement from there. It sickens me and I have a really hard time blocking out that negative energy.
Yesterday I sunk so deep into my demons grip. I let them cradle me like a baby and I wept like one. It was pathetic but…I needed to do it. I feel better today. I just wish that would be the last time. I have such a hard time letting go but when it is this toxic and poisonous to my well-being, I need to take action and get the hell out.
I need to be better for myself and for my sanity.
I hope the time will come when I’ll be ready to forgive, write it out and wash it away. This demon that has infested my brain is not doing good things for me right now and I hate admitting that but it’s true. I let this person get to me and I’m so fucking hurt. I am on the edge of wishing I had never met them but then again…I cared so much and I don’t want to forget that.
Funny….”My December” by Linkin Park just came on my playlist.
The universe is funny.
Is it possible to love and dislike someone all at the same time?
Because I seriously don’t know how to balance out these feelings. If I could just forgive, I’d remember the good times and make amends with everything that happened. I would accept responsibility for what I believe I did wrong and that’s it. All other opinions would be wiped from my memory. That’s what needs to happen. If I could just forgive.
I refuse to continue living with this demon in my brain telling me I am worthless and a shitty friend and a selfish hypocrite. It is damaging my soul.
These were all my thoughts yesterday. Today, I can think better and I don’t feel as heavy. All these things I’ve written down are true but I’m more confident in the fact that I can move on. It’s going to take time but I’m well on my way. Even though I’m not ready to write about the situation, I’m at least writing. I shut down yesterday and that shit really scares me. I don’t like when I feel so paralyzed in my thoughts. I do not enjoy feeling like life is not worth living and lying in bed all day until my body is aching. It is the worst feeling in the world to not even have the motivation or energy to take a shower, to brush your hair. To be so stuck in your thoughts that all you can do is just cry and surrender to your demons. I hate those days. And they were going away, finally. Happening less frequently and it was wonderful.
Since December though, those bad days are back. I just feel broken. Like I said. No other way to put it right now.
I’ll get out of this funk. I always do. I refuse to give up.
I may be hurting like hell right now but I’ll be damned if I keep picking at this scab forever.
Let the healing process truly begin.