This post is an excerpt from my book, Alice in the Upside Down
The ground has shifted…
I can feel it, deep within my bones.
Change is here.
Yesterday is gone.
Every
single
day is gone.
I so desperately wanted to hold on.
But those hours have slipped out of my hands.
My bleeding, raw fingers have lost their grip.
The ground shakes.
This path that I have stood on for so long…
No longer stable.
Change is inevitable.
I must learn acceptance. I must move on.
The ground is moments away from collapsing
Because of my life, which is now too heavy to hold.
There is no more room to grow here.
The ground caves in
And I’m falling…
Down…
Down…
Down the rabbit hole.
After a few minutes of admiring our atmosphere and walking in silence, Alice finally spoke. “You found this place at a very special but critical time. Summer is turning to Autumn. Autumn changes everything. But I don’t believe it’s the same here as what you’re use to. You see, all of us that reside in this upside down world live day by day, night by night but we are still very much affected by the magic of the universe on a daily basis which can sometimes flip things around a bit but… whatever.” Alice shrugged her shoulders.
“I get it. You just go with the flow.” I added.
“Yes, exactly…” she trailed off. She was distracted. We walked side by side through the woods; Butterfly Blue was flying above us.
We reached an opening in the trees that let the sunlight come through and I noticed something about Alice that I hadn’t earlier when we first met. Her hair was a bright, fiery red. As the sun’s rays wrapped around her like a shimmering shawl, I was able to see her true self. Her long locks draped across her shoulders and reminded me of the fire that I had seen in her eyes. When the light hits them just right, you can take peak into her burning soul. Her look was bold. She wore piercings and a few tattoos. All of Alice was full of color. In fact, this whole world was beyond colorful. And the sun’s rays just made this place come alive. The sight before me was truly breath taking.
As we ventured through the trees, I noticed up ahead a small field of wild flowers decorated every inch of the ground. Alice took my hand and we started running. She said this was the place I needed to see; that it would give the upside down world a whole new meaning for me. We reached the flowers and Alice let go of my hand. She motioned me to go on and walk through. “Soak it all in,” she insisted.
The flowers were nothing short of incredible. Bright yellow Daisies and huge Irises, light purple and midnight blue, danced in the breeze and sparkled in the sunlight. I took a few steps and the further I walked, the smaller I began to feel. And just like that, I was walking through a forest of Daisies and Irises. Such a small but eye-opening perspective.
I tried to look back to see where Alice and Blue were but I could see nothing but tall shoots of grass and and the flowers with their stems and leaves towering over me like the trunks of trees. This field had swallowed me whole it seemed.
Then, in one swift motion, it felt as if a spell had been cast and my mind and my thoughts fell back to the moment before I found myself in this very strange, upside down world.
One minute, I was right where I’d always been;
I was right where I thought I belonged.
The next minute, I felt my heart drop to my knees and just like that,
All that I ever knew was gone.
I was spiraling into complete darkness.
I had no control.
And that’s when the walls around me began to crack.
Light seeped through…barely…but enough to see…
There was something out there.
So many colors
So out of focus.
And with that came
Fireworks;
Breathtakingly beautiful explosions.
I watched my surroundings detonate in slow motion.
Blowing me further and further away from where I had come from.
Spiraling towards the sky.
That’s when I saw it. A beautiful sunrise.
Those were the colors peaking through the cracks.
I was falling towards a morning sky.
I fell past the sun.
I flew past the clouds.
Falling
down…
down…
down…
Or, was it up?
I had no idea.
And I had no control.
CRASH.
I felt my soul go up in flames.
I closed my eyes.
I prayed and I screamed for it to be over.
It felt like hours until the pain was gone.
I woke up on the ground, in complete darkness once again.
Wherever I had landed, it was too quiet.
Abandoned.
Limbo.
I came to with tears in my eyes and saw that Alice was standing right next to me. The world around me was normal again. I was no longer drowning in a sea of wildflowers. Butterfly Blue picked a Daisy and pinned it in my hair. He sat upon my shoulder as Alice sat down and took my hands in hers. She didn’t even have to say it, I knew she had seen the whole thing too. She put her hand on my shoulder and asked, “That’s been your journey so far, hasn’t it? Being completely ripped apart; not in control of yourself and your own life.”
I nodded my head to say yes, wiped my eyes and explained a bit more.
“I don’t think I have ever had my own life. Or even been my own person. I have always lived for someone else, never for myself and I don’t know why. I just…never believed in myself. I’ve always been easily influenced too. I don’t really know how to make decisions for myself because I’ve constantly based my choices on what others would think. I wouldn’t dare make a move without analyzing the reaction I may receive. I am good at talking myself out of things…like change. I have never liked change. And with that, I find society…the rest of the world…deciding factors for me.”
Alice shook her head in disappointment. She fidgeted and picked at a soft patch of clovers that lie next to us. I couldn’t read her expression at all.
After a brief silence, she sighed and said, “okay, I get it. In short, you are…were… a door mat.”
I looked at her totally blindsided.
“Look, I’m sorry! Don’t look at me like that. You know I’m right! You let people walk all over you. And decide all of your decisions for you. They place you where ever they please. You are simply a decoration for people. You cater to their needs and as time goes on, you don’t even think about your own. You have never decorated your own life, have you?”
I shook my head no.
“Well, good news is… you’re here now and I can help you rid yourself of that nasty habit… if you’ll let me.”
In that moment, I felt grateful to have found Alice. She was brutal but I knew that’s what I needed. She was the direction I had been searching for the moment I found myself in this upside down world.
“Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea”-Missio, “I miss you”-Blink-182, “Golden Light”-STRFKR, “Wait”-M83, “My December”-Linkin Park
Unraveling my soul 