wake me up

This morning I woke up half dead. I cannot clear these incessant thoughts that keep replaying in my head. I wish I could forget you but I can’t and I guess it’s because I don’t really want to. I am so tired of sitting next to death’s door. I would love to wake up and no longer feel the need to endure this heartbreak and pain. But I’m afraid if I let you go, I’ll never feel anything ever again. My lungs hurt from all the times I’ve held my breath, hoping I’ll knock myself unconscious and wake from this dreadful nightmare.

*this was written in early December…before I found out he cheated. You know…it amazes me…reading this… how hopeless I felt…but the moment I found out the truth, suddenly, it didn’t hurt as much anymore. I mean, it hurt to know he left me for another woman but…I was no longer yearning for him once I figured it all out. So I guess my point is…if you are stuck…keep going…keep breathing…keep digging and figuring out where the pain and confusion are coming from. And also…please know….if a man TRULY loves you and wants you, he will NEVER allow you to feel this way.*

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