Grief is coming…

**I wrote this 4 days into the separation. As I rewrite and reread it now to document this journey, I realize so many truths that I did not see before. Clarity is one hell of a thing, man. What I hope this breakup teaches me is…I should NEVER have to beg a man to give me the bare minimum and I should NEVER allow a man to bring me this far down and I WILL NEVER need to question someone’s love for me IF they truly care. Somewhere along the lines, he stopped caring. It’s such a shame. I read this and I want to hug myself. I was being ignored and he knew damn well what he was doing to me. This pain was so undeserving. I deserve so much more than this hand I’ve been dealt. But I WILL be okay. I’ll get through it. The way I see it now…GOOD RIDDANCE.**

I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to hold on. I’m trying not to lose it but it’s killing me. I feel like my heart is shattering over and over again. I am lost. I am not okay. I am trying but I am not okay. I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would tell me what to do. I wish someone had the answers. I wish I had the answer. I am so tired. I feel so weak. I am so nervous and confused and not quite sure where to turn from here. I just don’t know what to do. It’s been 4 days. 4 of the longest days of my life. And we have barely spoken. He has barely said one word. I feel like this is so cruel. I feel like this is such bullshit. I know I need to give him space. But I can’t help but want to reach out. I am pathetic. I am a burden. I should just make up the decision for him and remove myself. He didn’t seem to care much anyways so maybe he needs a push. Maybe he doesn’t know how to end it. Maybe I need to accept this fate and move on. I don’t fucking want to move on though. I hate how much I feel like I need him. I love him and I truly thought he was my soul mate. I thought I had found my happily ever after. I don’t understand what is going on. Why is this happening? Why is he leaving me? Why can’t he love me like I love him? Why can’t he want me? Does he even miss me? Does he even fucking miss me?! Or worry about me the way I am worried about him. I just want him to be happy. How have 4 days passed and he doesn’t seem to miss me the way I miss him? This is so unfair. My whole world has been flipped upside down and set on fire. I want to scream. I want to hide. I want to run away. I want my fucking family back. I miss him. I miss my life. I miss my home. I miss what we had. Why is it gone? Is this forever? I am so alone. I am so scared. I am so confused. Everyone keeps telling me to be positive but I don’t know how to be that right now. Why do I have to be the strong one when I’m the one who has been torn to pieces?? My whole heart has been torn to shreds and yet I’m the one who needs to keep a smile on my face and stay positive? Fuck that shit. I am fucking tired of being hurt. I am tired of hurting myself too. My own expectations destroy my sanity and poison my peace of mind. What the fuck do I do? How the fuck do I get through this shit? This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair. This isn’t FUCKING FAIR.

I don’t like this. This whole waiting around, waiting for him to figure out if he wants me. It’s only been 4 days and my insides feel like they’ve been tied in knots and I can’t have a single thought without tears streaming down my face. I feel so weak. I feel so stupid. I’ve been ignoring the signs for months. I’ve been convincing myself that I’m just paranoid, just insecure. I’ve been telling myself that I just need to do the inner work and he’ll come around. For weeks now I’ve been convinced that I’m the problem all along. And I’m tired of waiting to figure out if he still wants me to be with me and it’s only been 4 days and this feeling is going to go on for weeks if I let it. Unless he decides to make up his mind sooner and even then how can I expect him to make up his mind on a certain timeline? I don’t know what to do. This is something that I never saw coming. He is my person. He is my soul mate. I thought. I think. I really feel that he is. Am I mistaken? Have I been blind all along? He isn’t a terrible person. He isn’t doing this to me to be malicious. Is he? I don’t know. I am confused. And he is confused. And I am no longer a priority and I haven’t been for a really long time. He’s had so much going on. He’s been so stressed that I guess he can’t see clearly. He doesn’t seem to see me anymore. I guess he doesn’t know how to let himself relax and be happy. I guess. These are all assumptions. He hasn’t told me a damn thing. I don’t know what is really going on in his head. I miss him. And I hate this. I am so blindsided. I never expected to lose him.