Sorting the Chaos

The emotional side of me keeps repeating these incessant thoughts so I’m going to write them out and then sort them out…

I could have been nicer. I could have loved him better. I could have shown him more affection. I should have shown him more of the side of me that he fell in love with instead of appearing as the bitter witch I’d become. I should have cuddled with him more. I should have paid more attention to him. I should have. I could have. And maybe if I would have, he would still be here. I let my personal issues/ poor mental health get in the way one too many times. I was a wreck and I should have sucked it up and been thankful and happy with the life that we had instead of pining for more and being so damn sad. I complained too much and I didn’t give myself to him enough. I let life get in the way. I let my emotions take over and ruin my day way too many times and I should have been better. I could have shown him more of my sanity instead of allowing myself to fall apart, expecting him to fix me. I should have. I could have. And maybe if I would have…he’d still love me enough to stick around.

The logical side of me wants to SHAKE myself awake and slap myself silly until I understand these things…

I was battling my demons. I had been sucker-punched HARD with depression and anxiety since 2020 began. I was not okay. I was hurting. So many parts of me were dying. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I was convinced that I needed him to fix me but I didn’t need him for anything like that. It’s my job to fix me. It’s my responsibility to save myself. My depression was really bad and I cannot blame myself for not being able to snap out of it in order to show him my saner side, my happier face, my loving nature. I was weak and that’s okay. I loved him the best I could. I showed him love and support as much as I could at the time. I have to remember those years before I fell apart, I was a great partner. I would have done anything to make him smile. But unfortunately, I went downhill and I was fighting my mind. I was fighting every single minute for my life, for my sanity. And at times, I was losing that war. I did the best that I could and even if I could have done better some days, I didn’t and that’s okay. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I cannot continue to beat myself up for this. I didn’t walk away. HE DID. I fought until my fists were bloody, I gave it my all. And I know that in time, I would have saved myself and we would have worked through these hard times together. I wouldn’t have given up. But he did. He was/is fighting his own battles. He’s going through his own bullshit and I tried to help the best that I could even when I was at my lowest. This breakup isn’t my fault. He knows I loved him. And there is no sense in hurting my own feelings saying things like, “Well, I could have loved him better.” FUCK THAT. He’s the one who wouldn’t open his heart or his mind to me. I opened myself up from day ONE. But after 6 years, he couldn’t talk to me still? Bullshit. That is HIS BULLSHIT that he needs to sort out. He let his demons suffocate us. I was still fighting up until the point where I was driving away and even then, I waited for weeks hoping that maybe he’d come around. But he hasn’t come around and I don’t know if he ever will. I CANNOT and I WILL NOT blame myself for this any longer. It’s time to move on.

We have work to do if we are going to save ourselves.

There are many sides to me and they are all handling this breakup differently. It’s been beyond stressful. But if there is one thing that I NEED my other selves to understand is that WE DID NOTHING WRONG. And also, there’s no going back. We cannot turn back the clocks. We can play the “I could have, I should have” game but where will it get us? Absolutely nowhere. It is time to lean into this shift. It is time to trust the universe and whatever plan it’s concocting. I’ve been feeling a change in the air for over a year now. I’ve known something was brewing and I just haven’t been able to figure out what it is but now, I think I know…I think it’s been this heartbreak that’s been coming all along. I saw the signs. I saw them but I refused to actually SEE them. So what did the universe do? Ripped off the blindfold rather abruptly and that was exactly what I needed.

This entire situation sucks. Not just for me/for us but for my son too. I hate that he is caught in the crossfire (once again.) He and I deserve better. We deserve someone in our life that will fight for us as hard as we would fight for them.

I am so tired of this game. People don’t know how to stick around anymore. They run at the first sight of an obstacle. No one communicates like they should. No one COMPREHENDS like they should.

But again, there I go with the “should have/could have” game. Enough.

I’ve learned what I needed to learn and I know my worth and I will NEVER settle for less than I deserve EVER again.

Thank God for that. Thank God I have found myself and I can look in the mirror and see my beauty and my worth and I can actually see my strength. Thank God, I can finally see.

So, I’m going to let my emotional side have her moments…because it isn’t good to bottle it all up. It’s okay to cry. I want her to know that. But I hope she’s ready for me to pick her up and dust her off and push her to move forward. Even if it takes baby steps, I don’t care. We MUST take the steps. We MUST learn from this. WE MUST.

My son deserves a wonderful, happy, stable life. This is my/our priority. This is my/our motivation. This isn’t just me that got hurt. This isn’t just me that became displaced.

WE HAVE TO STAY STRONG.

Stay strong, baby girl. Keep punching back harder. Learn to bob and weave. Learn to allow the ebb and flow of life and love and progress.

We got this. And we must remember that though this pain really fucking hurts…

it is what it is.

xo

Alice

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