When I think about generational curses in my lineage, I think about depression and anxiety. For me, it is depression that I consider to be the biggest curse I could ever run into. I want to break free but there are a few things I must understand wholeheartedly first. For me, breaking that curse does not mean that I will destroy my depression forever and never feel an ounce of sadness ever again. Breaking the curse does not mean I will never feel despair again. Breaking that curse means I will not give in, I will not give up, I will feel it and fight through the pain. Breaking that curse for me means not leaning towards suicide. Understanding that depression lives within me but it will not control me. I can break the curse of suicide. Such an awful side effect of sadness that so many women in my family have been taken over by. I will not fall into that category. I will do better for them.
When we talk about generational curses, we must steer away from the final thought of “It just runs in my family.” We must break through that matrix and see the light and see that our ancestors are trying to show us that this curse stops with us. And if not, future generations will suffer as we have. Let the curses strong side effects end with you.
Look those curses in the eye and say “This shit stops with me.” Even if you cannot rid yourself fully of whatever curse consumes you, you can learn to not allow it to control and manipulate your soul. You can learn to work through it. You can ease the pain. You can teach yourself how to love again. You can teach yourself so many amazing, beneficial things, if you take your blinders off and see the truth and speak the truth.
Speak your truth even if your voice shakes.
And understand that this process of healing will not be easy. You must prepare yourself for a life long journey. You must prepare for the ups and downs. Learn to tread water instead of drown. Learn to steady yourself when you feel as if you are going to fall down. And be forgiving during the times that you do fall. Know that when you fall it does not mean you cannot get back up. You must teach yourself that you can always stand back up.
For me, breaking the curse of depression is tedious. Some days, I think to myself that maybe it will all end with me if I end it all. That is not the answer. Suicide is NEVER the answer. Please know this. You can gain strength from darkness but the darkness is not your home. It is not the place to stay because the creatures/demons that linger in the deepest corners, they aren’t your friends. The demons of the dark do not have your best interests at heart. Remember this.
You can see the light. It may take time but the time spent seeking is worth every moment. Keep going.
Let these curses run into you only for THEM to realize that YOU are THEIR dreaded fate, they are not yours. Does that make sense?
These curses end with you. They can. They will. You must open your heart and mind to the possibility that your ancestors are cheering you on and rooting for you to be the one to say to your demons, “your fate is in my hands and I choose to obliterate you so that I may live the life I deserve, one filled with great happiness and joy and comfort. I deserve a fate which dances with healing, not one that dances with constant hurting.” Some of the hardest struggles we face lead to the greatest lessons we will ever learn. So lean in and learn.
I am still learning about generational curses. I am still learning how to maneuver my way through the motions, the ups and downs, the lefts, the rights, the unknowns and the familiars. I am taking the path less traveled. But I am also cutting down the briars and creating my own path.
I have seen and heard what this curse can do. I have read the death certificates and heard the stories. I understand what my ancestors went through. And I understand that I was born with much purpose. Though it has taken a very long time for me to figure the puzzle out, I realize I am the missing piece. And with that, I move forward with the hope that I can make it out alive and future generations in my lineage will then learn from me and learn how to ebb and flow. This life is not meant to be an easy one but it is not meant to be cut short either.
I will allow myself to continue learning and digging and researching with the goal of consciousness and enlightenment on my side. I will understand that there is no timeline in this journey. I will accept that it may take my lifetime to truly discover whatever it is that I am searching for. And while I’m searching, while I’m learning, while I’m discovering, I will document every bit. I will write what comes to mind, what comes to heart and what feels right. I will teach future generations how to heal, how to cope, how to manage, how to live on.
The darkness is not the end goal for me. I will not let my depression lead to my death. I will do better. I will. Because my lineage is counting on me but also because I am counting on me and my son is counting on me and my parents and my husband and my family and friends. We all deserve to live out our greatest dreams and that means this curse and all of its wicked effects …..they end with me. The suffering ends with me.
I will always overcome. And so will you.