Heal: part 1 of speaking my truth

What the fuck, though? Why did you do what you did? Why did you chose that shit over me? And our family? I don’t fucking get it. After all this time, I don’t fucking get it. We had something good. But you turned toxic on me. You treated me so well at first. But you became toxic to me. I am so glad I saved myself from you. But still, I can’t understand why any of it even happened?? What was the point?? What was the point in us wasting all that time together? I introduced you to my son. You became a DAD to him. Don’t you fucking get that? Didn’t you fucking get that?! He saw you as a fucking dad and you abandoned him. You just left. I don’t give a fuck if you sit and argue that you tried to return. FUCK YOUR RETURN. You had already lost me. You lost me because of that black widow. She took you from us. She took you from me.

Isn’t it fucked?! Do you not see how FUCKED that was for you to do that to us? To your family? I don’t fucking get it. After all this time, I don’t fucking get it. I want to forgive you. Not for you but for my sake. Because my body is being poisoned by the resentment I still hold onto. Why do I hold on? I don’t know. I’m a holder. I hold shit. And then I hold too much and I drop shit but still try to pick it back up because I feel like I need that shit. I hold onto it because it’s a part of me and my growth. But I need to let go. For my own sake, I need to let go.

I stopped loving you a long time ago but…I still hate you. I don’t want to hate you anymore. I need to forgive you, forget you and let myself breathe again. I’ve been holding onto so much that my lungs don’t pull in as well as they use to. Because I’m so full of emotion and fear and psychological issues. I’m so full of all the shit, all the TOXIC SHIT that you poured into my mind when you were high. When you were too high to understand what your words did to me. You didn’t care about me when the black widow had your back. I was your target and I was your punching bag and I was your disappointment.

I remember, so vividly, that night you called me weak. I still remember that fucking night. When we were fighting and screaming at each other for god knows why and what did you say when I walked away and slammed the bathroom door in your face? You screamed YOU ARE WEAK AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.

I remember I sat in that bathroom and I cried my goddamn eyes out. I held my hands to my face, I covered my mouth to the point where I couldn’t easily breathe and I cried so fucking hard because you terrified me. When you were black out drunk…you terrified me. When you were high…you were unpredictable and angry…you had so many demons.

You had so many demons and you let them infect me too. With those words that you screamed at me, you let them infect me too.

What the fuck, though? Why???? Why the fuck did you waste my time?! Why did you swear your love to me? In front of god? In front of family? In front of friends? You swore your love to me AND YOU WERE STILL GETTING HIGH but you were telling me (when I would confront you for weeks on end before the wedding…) that I was crazy, that I was out of my mind. You called me a liar. But YOU were the liar. You told me I was crazy. That I was so stressed and tired and I was just seeing things. You pinned it all on me. And then it was all on me when I still decided to marry you.

Why the fuck did you trick me? You promised me that you were done. FROM WEEK ONE, you promised me YOU WERE DONE. When you cried to me and told me your journeys. When you lied to me and told me you were young and dumb and that I was the love of your life and you’d never chose that shit over me. BUT YOU DID. YOU FUCKING DID. Why the fuck did you tell me you were done?!  You were never done. You were always numb. You were always getting high or drunk. You were never honest with me. Not once.

You turned your back on me. You turned your back on your family. And I fucking hate you for it. I HATE YOU. Because I really did fucking love you. But I wasn’t strong enough to handle all that. I wasn’t strong enough and you fucking knew that. I mean, you’re the one who called me WEAK. You knew I couldn’t handle it. That’s why you never told me. That’s why you could never confess that you were infected by the black widow.

I have nothing more to say.

This healing will have to continue another day.

Photo by Thiago Matos on Pexels.com

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