If it wasn’t for you I may have never found the courage to create Tea Time with Alice. I created Alice (( & her Madness)) in order to help others find hope within themselves despite toxic behaviors and insecurities, I made it because I needed the help too and I wanted to figure out how to rid my mind of the madness my demons tend to spew. I felt inspired and I decided in order to heal I needed to write, I needed to feel.
If it wasn’t for you………
Alice would have never met my acquaintance.
You are the reason I decided to create another world to begin with.
You pushed me
into the deepest parts of my oceans of emotional behavior
You forced me
to see myself,
for who I really am.
You’re the one that got away…
if you hadn’t gotten away
then I may never have fallen down ….or up…the rabbit hole.
I wouldn’t know Alice.
I would not be
where I am
at this point in my life,
I would not be
who I am
at this point in my life.
If it weren’t for you.
I would still be stuck.
I would still be walking in circles,
creating the same patterns,
abusing the same toxic behaviors,
the ones that always surfaced in order to survive.
You taught me how wrong and stuck in my ways I was.
You showed me the light
by throwing me into the dark
After I threw you into the dark because
how dare you challenge my selfish, what I thought was right kind of ways…
(giant eye roll)
I was childish.
It was fucked up.
So I sat there
in the dark
Replaying that memory
of me walking away
with my slightly…….okay……painfully annoying, selfish ways.
Eventually my ego wilted,
becoming a seed that planted itself within the depths of me.
Revealing my true self.
My ego bloomed into something better suited for the garden in which I grow
with the seeds that found themselves
in the rabbit hole.
I wish to say
that I am sorry for my poison
that spilled upon your life.
I wish it never did.
I was wrong to flip my lid.
And I was wrong for who I pretended to be.
I was so protective of my toxicity,
when I should have just chilled out and simply been me.
But I guess back then
I didn’t know me.
Haven’t been sure of who I really am truthfully.
Until you said hello,
Until I didn’t say good bye.
Until you ignored me twice…no….four times,
Until I lost my mind.
I wasn’t really sure of who I was
So I am going to say it.
And I know that sounds a bit odd
but it’s because of the pain
that was caused,
my life makes a bit more sense.
You dipped the hell out and got the fuck away from me.
You walked away.
You broke free from toxic disarray.
Something I was never brave enough to do.
So it’s because of you
That I find myself today
in better spirits and genuine love.
I am better than I once was.
It’s been one year since you left (because of the shit that I said, the things I did, the fucked up toxic behavioral patterns I put on display.)
It’s been one year since I spilled my poison unto you.
One year since I lost it.
being my mind.
I want you to know that I thought you were kind.
And I want you to know that I was fake.
I wasn’t the real me,
My soul was tied into knots.
And I needed to unwind
But I couldn’t do it at the time.
I couldn’t unwind.
And when I became so tangled,
you came along and got caught in the web
(of lies I was telling myself and the world.)
And then as quickly as we came alive,
Here we lie, the ghosts of then.
Rebirth is different and I think you may know what I mean.
Rebirth is beautiful and I hope you shine as bright as your favorite dream.
Remember that nothing is what it seems.
I am different.
I am (now) me.
Because of you
(not) choosing to put up with my (then) toxicity.
**This piece is meant to be a letter to a dear friend I once had, but as I began to write it, I felt inspired to create a poem instead. This friend that I once had was the kind of girl that made you want to shine your brightest. But unfortunately we met during a time when I was so on fire that I burned… incinerated anything that I dared to touch. Maybe that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to you or anyone else but to me, I feel that after all the toxic abuse I had endured in my past, my phoenix had risen but I was so fueled by the person I was, the person I had been for 10+ years (just trying to get by and ignore my depression, my anxiety and pretend like everything was okay when it really wasn’t)… I was not okay during this time when I met her acquaintance and I am very sorry for how things played out. But life is what it is and I had to move on from the damage I feel that I caused.
So now, as I have created my Facebook “Tea Time with Alice” page as well as this blog, I have found myself feeling inspired to inspire others to love themselves regardless of their toxic behaviors BUT to take responsibility, accountability for their actions, their words, their toxic patterns. I have been teaching myself to love myself, flaws and all. BUT instead of ignoring my issues, ignoring my emotions, pushing people away…I communicate, I analyze and I figure out what the real problem is and I fix it.
I put work in on myself and my life and I am bettering my toxic behaviors. I am learning to let them go because I no longer need to use them as my weapon. I am no longer surrounded by abuse. I am safe. I am happy. I am okay.
So I have been teaching myself, through this blog, through my Tea Time with Alice page, to love myself unconditionally and take responsibility for who I am as a human being in this crazy, mad, messed up, beautiful world.
There is so much truth to this little piece, even if it doesn’t make much sense to the rest of you. To me, this letter, this poem is my proof that I can conquer my demons. I have battled for a year with a demon that has just sat on my back, weighing me down and making me feel like the lowest piece of dirt on this planet. (I reacted badly during a time when I should have communicated, calmed down and listened. I got carried away by my toxic behavior and it was loud and it wasn’t pretty.) So in result, I have gone to war with a demon that was one of the strongest I have ever been up against. The demon was myself, my ego, my own reflection. I had to face myself and I saw who I had become and some of the shit that surfaced was so ugly, vile, disgusting. I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to look. But I had to. I had to peel my eyes wide open and stare my demons in the face. The result after a long, grueling battle?
My mind is no longer foggy. My brain thinks better. My head is clear. My heart is genuine. My toxic behaviors have subsided because I no longer need to be in defense mode.
I am sorry for how things turned out and I hope the best for this person. I hope maybe one day, in a good, positive manner, we may cross paths again and I can personally let her know that she was a blessing in my (past) life. She was the jolt that I needed to snap into my new reality, my new world, my new beginning.