One thing I desperately need to work on when it comes to myself is how hard it is for me to let go.
Sometimes, I know I do it to myself…when I get caught up in my own thoughts and I don’t even try to snap myself out of it. I just day dream and hope and wish and say “what if…” over and over until I’ve dug myself in the deepest hole and I have no easy way out.
Sometimes, I don’t even try to be nostalgic. I don’t even try to dig up the past. I don’t even want to. But sometimes memories just flood my brain so suddenly that I don’t even get a chance to hold my breath and in an instant I drown in my own thoughts.
That’s when anxiety or depression kick in and before I know it, I become so numb that I don’t even really care about anything in that moment. I’m not getting out of bed, I’m eating too much or too little and I’m sad. So sad, to the point of wondering…what the fuck is the point anymore?
And I let myself get to this point. I let it happen.
Because of memories… Because of a dug up past… Because of things I cannot change…Because I can’t ever seem to move the fuck on…. I fall apart time and time again.
I just wish I could move on as easily as everyone else seems to.
Then again, this is a silent struggle for me so I can’t say I’m the only one in the world feeling this shit. I know I’m not alone.
I guess what I mean to say is I wish I personally knew more people that dealt with this. Because seriously…I feel crazy.
This year I really fucked up in my opinion with someone really special to me and man…it has taken so much out of me. I am absolutely drained from the whole situation that I put myself in. During a moment of confrontation and severe miscommunication (if you ask me) I let the old me seep through and take over my brain. My old bad habits came back to haunt me and by the time I finally realized what was happening, it was too late. Like…way too late. The bad habits backed off but the damage was done.
Since then, karma has been quite the bitch. But, I understand why more than I ever have before.
Some people may call it petty actions of others, I call it the universe simply moving through the motions of what consequences come with what.
Still, losing someone is never easy. Whether it is a relationship or friendship or family. When you are so use to someone being around and then suddenly, they’re not…it changes you. It damages you. And if you really gave a fuck, it can cause permanent damage.
But, what I have realized is that I can take that permanent damage and form my new self around it. Which is what I’m trying to do these days. I’m creating a new me from the recent shit storm I endured. I just wish I felt strong more often and that I’d stay away from the temptation to dig up the past.
If I could, I’d apologize to every single person I have hurt. But, that isn’t really possible so…all I can do is just say if I was ever considered to be a toxic person in your life, I’m so sorry.
Life is crazy. The lessons you learn and the ways you learn them are …sometimes really fucked up. But sometimes, even if it’s a few weeks, months or years down the road, you realize the purpose of certain experiences. You realize why things happened the way that they did.
And if it’s a fuck up on your part that you’re coming back from…well, once you’ve learned your lesson, you don’t repeat yourself again.
If you repeat, you haven’t learned.
This shit sucks.
Why is it so hard for me to let go?
Or get someone or something out of my head?
Why does it feel impossible to move on?
I can learn these lessons all I want.
Karma can pay a visit again if it needs to and try to remind me of why I am in this shit storm in the first place.
It still doesn’t change my thoughts and I don’t understand why.
I still silently struggle with the fact that I fucked up or got fucked over and I lost someone or something good because of it.
Story of my life.