Blame Game

Because of you,

I don’t look at myself the same.

Because of you,

I obsess over my looks.

Because of you,

I always feel fat.

Because of you,

my eyes have bags under them and they’re dark and sunken in from exhaustion.

Because of you,

I have psoriasis and back problems. Because you have caused me so much stress.

Because of you,

I have scars on my arms that will never go away.

Because of you,

I feel like a failure as a mom.

Because of you,

I feel like a failure as a friend. And a daughter. And a girlfriend.

Because of you,

I feel like a failure in general.

Because of you,

I lock myself in my closet or my bathroom so that I have a dark place to hide as I hyperventilate.

Because of you,

I second guess myself on everything.

Because of you,

I have starved myself.

Because of you,

I once gained over 60 pounds.

Because of you,

I’ve quit almost every job. Even the one I stuck with for years.

Because of you,

I’ve had one too many drinks one too many times.

Because of you,

I’ve done drugs.

Because of you,

I wanted to die.

Because of you,

I lost myself.

And it’s because of me that it got this bad.

Because I let you do this to me.

I let you take over.

I allowed you to control my life.

I’ve made so many mistakes.

I’ve fucked over so many people and I’ve ruined so many of my friendships and relationships…

Because I let you destroy me.

Since I was 13 years old,

you have dragged me down,

you have kicked me

and then you stood me back up…

Just to do it all over again.

And I let you because you convinced me that I wasn’t good enough.

You convinced me that I was worthless and ugly and you made me feel like everyone hated me.

You convinced me that I don’t deserve happiness or love or any good things in my life.

And I let you!

You knew I was vulnerable when you found me.

You knew I was young and confused and that I was already having a hard time because that’s what happens to you when you become a teen.

But you didn’t care.

It didn’t matter to you that I was in a vulnerable state.

In fact, you fed off of that.

You get off on my sadness and my pain.

You knew I was the perfect candidate for your little game.

I let you play me

and twist me

and turn my life upside down. 

You got me for 16 years.


And I submitted.

I let you take over my mind.

I let you make all of my decisions for me.

It’s time to change the game up a bit.

I’m older now; I’m smarter.

And I’m sick of you treating me like shit!

I’m sick of feeling tired.

I’m sick of you wearing me down.

I can’t continue to feel like this.

I am so over you. I am so tired of clinging to you just because you were all that I knew once. 

You basically raised me.

You made me who I am today.

But let me tell you something,

the reason I’m quicker at this game now is because of you.

You crippled me at one point and yet ….I’m still here!

I’d say that says a lot about me and a whole lot of nothing about you.

So let me thank you first before I send you off with a big FUCK YOU.

Thank you for tearing me to pieces.

Thank you for pulling me apart and FORCING ME to be the one to put myself back together.

It took me a long time and I almost didn’t make it out alive…

But I did it.

I found all the pieces that you broke and I pieced myself back together the way I wanted to this time.

You shaped me into this person.

So, now, I’m choosing her.

I’m running for my life

With her.

And I’m going to create a beautiful life out of everything you once destroyed.

You will never control me again.

You will never hurt me again.

You will never take my life away from me ever again.

I do not need you.

And if you try to come back for me, know that I will be 10 steps ahead of you…waiting and ready to fight.

Because of you,

I am stronger.

Because of you,

I finally found myself.

Because of you,

I found my soul mate and I found out who my true friends and family are.

Because of you,

I write daily. I’m following my dreams now.

Because of you,

I know who I am meant to be. I know my worth.

Because of you,

I’m learning more and more about myself and I’m learning how to keep you away.

You destroyed me once.

But now…

you just fuel the fire that I will use to destroy you.

From this day forward, I promise myself that I will never let depression and anxiety define me again. I will continue writing. I will continue standing up for myself. I will continue working my ass off to keep those demons away from my life.

I won’t give up.

You will never rule my life again.

blue and white smoke illustration
Photo by Pixabay on

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