Alice & her Madness (1)

Music is the drug I overdose on in order to get a grip.

Play it as loud as I have to just to drown out the pain.

Lyrics flood my mind;

washing out the toxic sludge I call my thoughts.

Finding peace within my wounds by the tune of a song.

Drowning out the madness as I sing and scream along.

The hardwood floors vibrate as the bass drops,

feels deafening,

feels useful.

Sound waves move my body to the music.

I jump around,

I act foolish,

My soul sways…

Casting off the energy that’s slowly been eating away at my brain.

I dance until I am out of breath.

I feel like a kid again.

I feel like me.

I am alive.

I fall over onto the floor in stitches of laughter 

as my sweet, beautiful puppy comes bounding towards me,

full of life & ready to dance along.

I see this moment and feel complete,

 Genuine happiness.

This is bliss.

I am so happy this moment exists.

Music is the drug that reminds me that

I can escape without risk of harm.

Music helps me remember that my life is sweet,

Even in the depths of my personal hell.


Thoughts

12:22 PM February 19, 2019

Rain. Constant rain. It seems to never end these days. According to our weather channel, last year broke history with the rainy season. I mean, glad to not be in a drought anymore, but are you kidding me? It just rains. and rains. and rains. We might as well live in Seattle and I don’t even think it rains this much there. Okay, it probably does but…I miss the sun.

I’ve been in a total funk over the past couple months. Since before the holidays, really. I’ve done pretty well at masking the true emotions I’m feeling these days though. It’s easy for me to put on a smile and pretend that I am fine. I’ve had a lot of practice. Usually, I throw on a bunch of make up and fake my confidence because no one likes a sad girl right? *insert eye roll here*

The only person I can’t hide from is my fiance. He knows me too well. He knows the moment my mood switches. Sometimes, I wish he couldn’t sense my ups and downs. I wish I could hide it from him the way I hide from the world. But then I remember how it feels when no one notices at all…that shit sucks. And I don’t wish it on anyone.

I am grateful that he notices. He is the only friend I’ve ever had who has gotten to know the real me, all of me, the darkest of all my corners. I’ve let him in further than I have with anyone. Ever. In the history of all my friendships and relationships, not one person has seen or heard what he has. I’ve certainly been my realest with him.

He has proven his loyalty so many times, I’ve lost count. But the moments that stick out the most are when I was in the depths of my own personal hell & he sat with me in the fire and helped me find strength to pull myself together again. He never ran away. He never got restless.

Maybe because he plays with fire for a hobby…my personal hell is child’s play to him. Whatever it was, or is, I am thankful for his company. He tells me all the time, “you’re stuck with me, babe.” And I can’t even begin to describe the child-like happiness that glows within the deepest parts of my soul when he says that to me.

Next day…

10:45 AM February 20, 2019

I am absolutely exhausted…mentally. This rain does not help. I hear the sun is coming back in a few days though. Fingers crossed. I think half the reason I am in such a funk is because of the way the outside looks. It’s cold as a witches tit and I think my body is suffering from a lack of vitamin D & warmth. My brain too. I can’t think straight much lately.

I stopped writing yesterday because I felt myself falling into a sad state of mind and I needed to stay straight for my kid, because he was soon home from school. Some days, my writing gets put on hold because there are other things more important than me remembering my misery.

I’ve just been a mess for a lot of personal reasons.

In November I had a falling out with someone I had grown fairly close to in a short period of time and the fall out wasn’t just a “see you later” type of good bye….it was a silent fire set in the middle of the night and my heart burned to ashes so quickly… I had no time to get out.

DOA.

Yeah. The whole thing screwed me up pretty bad.

People love to rip your heart out and stomp on it, don’t they? It seems to be a fetish for some, even. I don’t get it. I never will.

I just haven’t been the same since she left.

Last summer I was saying the same thing about someone else.

I swear I am a total jinx when it comes to friendships….or just with women in general.

I hate confrontation. I hate that heavy feeling of needing to stand up for myself. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone. I don’t believe that I need to defend my actions or choices to one person because they don’t live my life. It is not theirs to wake up to every morning. But there are exceptions to this rule and some times I absolutely suck at distinguishing one from the other.

Sometimes, it REALLY IS best to just walk away and not say a damn thing. It’s best to leave instead of wasting energy on something that is only going to cause both parties grief, stress, pain, whatever. Other times, saying what’s on your mind is empowering and it is necessary.

I wish I had spoken up a few months ago but I guess doing it this way is better than nothing.

If you’ve read all the way to here, thanks for reading through my chaotic thoughts. I’m so scatter brained right now. I’ll continue later.

xo Alice A.H.

 

macro shot photography of water drops
Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

“Feel the fury closing in

All resistance wearing thin

Nowhere to run from all of this havoc

Nowhere to hide from all of this madness,

madness, madness,

madness, madness, madness.

Nowhere to run

There’s nowhere to hide.

This is madness.

Madness.

Madness.


Ruelle

 

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