Cloudy Thoughts

I have been a bundle of stress; an absolute mess. I don’t know where it begins or when it will end. Everything is cloudy. The fog has been steady rolling in and it looks like ocean waves ready to swallow everything in sight. I am not alright tonight. I am not fully alive and I’m trying with all of my might to keep it together and to continue on but the heaviness in my chest causes me to lose my breath and I forget how to function again and again. This is a spiral I cannot escape because I’m not meant to run from it. Instead, I have to face it and stare at it even with fear dancing around in my eyes. I know I will survive but it would be nice if the anxiety would dissipate instead of escalate. I am exhausted. My mind has been racing for days upon days. They’re stacking up like Jenga blocks and I’m afraid someone will pull the wrong one and crashing down will I go and that rabbit hole is so far below the surface. I swear the universe is doing all of this on purpose and I don’t know why. All I have been doing is crying and lying to myself trying to gaslight myself to believe that I am okay even though I know that I am not. I feel my confidence start to rot and my stomach is tied in knots and I want to give up but I can’t give up. I swore I would never give up again. I have to keep going but how long is this journey? How long is this fight? How long do I have to fight for my fucking life to find peace again? I forgot what it feels like to feel calm. I am constantly being strung along by my demons. They have me on a leash and it’s continuously getting shorter and shorter until their fingers are wrapped around my neck. I am way ahead of myself right now but isn’t that what stress and anxiety love to do? Worry about the things that have yet to come true? And from past experiences, they probably won’t come true but how do you explain that to a brain who has a massive imagination and loves to create scenarios and I cannot refrain from entertaining the madness. I have only known the madness so when I find myself straying away from sadness I don’t feel like myself and that’s a strange hand to be dealt.